Sunday, December 14, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen... my hero

Now, I'm not sure what to laugh at first. The reassurance that Bush was not injured by a fucking shoe. Or the Arab specific explanation of why throwing a shoe is an insult. Am I alone in the shoe throwing habit? It has nothing to do with the "sole." And I'm not Arab. It has to do with frustration and impotence. I don't throw the shoe at the TV to insult the TV. I throw it out of sheer frustration. So good for this crazy guy for showing George W. Bush a mere ounce of the disrespect he deserves. Bush is an asshat. And there is nothing we can do about it. Thank you, my fellow shoe thrower, for expressing the frustration of an impotent world.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Me, God, and Santa Claus: the proabortion trinity

I'm tired of hearing how everyone on both sides of the issue can agree that lowering the number of abortions in this country is a good thing.

I don't agree.

I want more abortions in this country and I have God and Santa Claus on my side.

God wants to stop the insanity because the pearly gates are just not equipped to deal with all this judging and St. Peter quit somewhere in the late 18th century.

Imagine, here you are the all powerful being of the entire universe and you give that one planet a few souls and advise them to multiply.

The all powerful sets up heaven to deal with a billion or so folks, and wham, people do what people do. They fuck. They fuck a lot.

So then after a few thousand years he has to have a flood to kill everyone but that Noah guy, or Gilgamesh, or whoever you think saved humanity from the big flood and we start over.
God gives us a little more social convention and gay sex to calm things down a bit, but after the glut in the flood he's got to have 15 or 20 billion souls in heaven. At 21 grams per soul that's over 800 million pounds of soul he's got to deal with for eternity.
He then gets a little stricter on who he is going to let in, and puts his kids buddy Peter in charge of deciding who gets into heaven and who heads south. The all knowing must have been fucked up that day because he clearly forgot about drugs and rock and roll. Nothing goes better with drugs and rock and roll except for fucking. And ever since this unholy trinity has gotten together we have been making babies like it's a contest.
St. Peter quit when God told him to start letting evangelicals in somewhere in the 18th century. God loves them because they are anti fucking (but pro methed-out gay fucking which wasn't as popular then), but Peter knew they were just assholes trying to make a buck.
So, for the past few hundred years God has been dealing with the comings and goings of Heaven without a good manager, and it is beginning to take its toll. Seeing as there have been over a 100 trillion people on earth since the beginning of time, and he's had to start letting gays and black people in over the past few years, he's probably looking at 25 or 30 trillion in heaven proper.
That now puts him at what?
Must be like, 1.2 trillion pounds of soul floating around in heaven. That's a lot to deal with.
He's already shown that when the going gets tough, the tough send a species to extinction. None of us want that.
Solution, abort the little bastards before they get here or we all need to learn how to tread water for a damn long time. If you can't get behind baby killing, at least quit bugging him with prayers about your silly fucking existence, after all he does have a five billion or so other cock suckers to deal with. (I of course omitted the Chinese and the French from that number, as being from either country is a sure ticket on the train to hell.)
Santa is just tired of the little fuckers asking for video games, and Disney shit. He's at his wits end.
So please, don't worry about saving the ozone layer, or cleaning up the rivers, it's all bullshit. What we really need to do is put less ass in the seat of time. Since people, even morons, are going to fuck whether we like it or not, Value Meal number 69 at McDonald's should come with a drive through D&C.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Reminder: T Boone Pickens is a Colossal Asshat

If you don't know who I'm talking about it's about time you started reading a little more news and watching a little less TMZ. T Boone Pickens is an old school Texas oil billionaire turned born again alternative energy guru. He's out to save us from our dependence on foreign oil by making a few billion more dollars from all the land he owns in the wind belt and over natural gas deposits. It's called the Pickens Plan and it's got a lot of ordinarily intelligent people swooning over him. Hell during his interview on The Daily Show Jon Stewart was all but cupping his balls.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing his energy plan. In fact, despite his self serving motivations, I think the plan is good for America. It just irritates me that we as a nation have such a short attention span that we're treating him like a god. We've forgotten that he's a colossal fucking asshat. I could write an entire book on what an insane, greedy, sociopathic, evil nutjob this guy is, (and someday I just might.) This is just a blog however so I'll focus on the thing about him that disturbs me the most.

T Boone Pickens cares more about horses than paralyzed veterans.

Are you familiar with the Swift Boat Challenge? You see during the 2004 presidential election Mr. Pickens gave the organization Swift Vets and POWs for Truth, formerly the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, $3 million. They used this money to launch a smear campaign against John Kerry that was, to put it mildly, a load of horseshit. You might be saying, "so he donated some money, you can't hold him responsible for how they spent it!" Well yes, I can. You see Mr. Pickens responded to criticism of the smear campaign by offering $1 million to anyone who could disprove even a single charge made by the Swift Vets during the 2004 campaign.

John Kerry bit, asking that the $1 million be donated to the Paralyzed Veterans of America. In response, Pickens issued a letter narrowing the original challenge to the T.V. ads released by the organization exclusively, and requiring Kerry to provide his Vietnam journal and all of his military records. Keep in mind the challenge was issued to anyone and that these requirements were altered only because it was Kerry and his people who accepted the challenge.

on June 22, 2008, a group of Vietnam veterans who previously served with and now work with Kerry accepted the challenge and sent a 12-page letter — with a 42-page attachment of military records to support their case — with which they claimed to rebut several of the accusations of the Swift boat group.
Pickens could have come clean and donated $1 million to help paralyzed veterans. Instead he tried to save face and responded "In reviewing your material, none of the information you provide speaks specifically to the issues contained in the ads and as a result, does not qualify for the $1 million."

So you know... asshat.

But the guy's not all bad. Despite his hatred of truth and paralyzed veterans he did manage to lobby for the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act (HR 503) to prohibit the slaughter of live horses intended for human consumption.

In the United States.

Because, you know, the slaughter and consumption of horses is pretty widespread here in...

Ugh. I can't even finish that sentence. Do you know anyone who has ever eaten a horse in this country? Have you ever seen it on the news? Is there some horse slaughtering/eating subculture I'm not aware of? Hell no there isn't! It's his idea of philanthropy. It's his legacy. That and a bunch of impoverished paralyzed veterans.

Seriously, fuck that guy. We can make the move to natural gas and wind energy without his crazy ass.

Oh, wait. I forgot he owns most of wind alley. :(

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I am Aware of all Moron Traditions

I try to be nice, I really do. But sometimes people beg for it. They hire a plane to fly over my home with a banner that says in ALL CAPS - please make fun of me!! This is one of those times. The following letter appeared in the new edition of the Pitch. I apologize in advance for publishing it in its entirety.

I'm writing in regard to wannabe hipster, pseudo-clever Town Without Pity writer Scott Wilson's take on The Kansas City Star's latest round of layoffs. Is this guy on crack or is he just a toolshed?

Wilson wrote: "Anyone who calls President-elect Obama a socialist is a moron." Wow. Since Scott is clearly not the type of person to keep a dictionary, history book or anything more intellectually stimulating than Green Eggs and Ham in his house, I took the liberty of doing a Google search for the term socialism. Link after link mentions distribution of wealth — maybe Scotty wasn't listening when Obama said, "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everyone."

If only morons call Obama a socialist, then what does that say about the type of people who get hired by The Pitch? Hey, Scott! Obama is a socialist, and it's painfully obvious to anyone with even a modicum of intelligence. I understand that people who make asinine statements are awarded more space in print media, but you really seemed to have jumped off the deep end.

Now that I've shown my aptitude for belittling others and writing in a juvenile manner, perhaps The Pitch will now ask me to write for them.

I've got a couple of issues with Joshua here. The first one is his inability to grasp the definition of "socialism." The second is his snotty attitude about being called a "moron" while demonstrating in painful detail that he is, indeed, a moron. Did I say I only had a couple of issues with him? That was a lie. I've got more than a couple. Joshua Lawson has succeeded in being dumb enough in his letter that I can't, off the top of my head, count the ways in which he has manifested his stupidity.

Because google and dictionaries mean something to Joshua, I'll do my best to communicate with him on his own terms. The dictionary:


1usually offensive : a mildly mentally retarded person
: a very stupid person

The google:

Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating state or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society.

Guy who defines "socialism" as the "distribution of wealth"?


Joshua Lawson hit so many high notes of idiocy, it's hard to break them all down. But let's start here... if you're going to pretend to do internet research, bring something stronger than google. And if you're going to pretend to internet research on google, at least get your terms right -- there's actually a significant difference between "distribution of wealth" and "redistribution of wealth." In fact, anyone with a modicum of familiarity with socialism would know that.

But not our dear Joshua.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Celebrating Great American Turkeys

To say that our predecessors stole land from the Natives (or Indians, or feathers, it's all cool) does not adequately credit the asshattery sustained over generations it took to take all that land and integrate it into the existing system of property law. A 16 year old boy steals a six pack from the grocery store, goes to his buddy's house, drinks the beer and moves on with his life. America's Got Title! went a little bit more like this: America discovers a new grocery store, cruises the beer aisle, considers it uncivilized that the beer is on the shelf rather than being put to use by America, calls up his buddies to show up at the grocery store, tells the store owner - dude, that beer right there? You can't sell that to any one but me.

And when the store owner tries to sell beer to others, America shows up at the purchaser's house and says - dude, that owner did not have the right to sell that beer, it's my beer, hand it over, and go talk to the store owner if you want your damn money back.

That, in a nutshell, is how we came to own the land in this country. We basically went eminent domain on every tribe's ass. But it took a long time to work out the details, and in that time land speculators were very active and all sorts of questionable deeds were around. All this mischief came to an end due to the heroic efforts of today's featured [turkey]* - Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, John Marshall. In the case of Johnson v. M'Intosh, Marshall wrote a long, philisophical, and at times mournful opinion that comes down to - the natives have limited interest in the land, and whatever interest they have can only be sold to the federal government, this is so because it's always been so. You can read a nice, scholarly and historical take on the decision here. Or you can read the whole opinion. Or you can take my word for it and know that, in the end, the arguments are as impressive and successful as those deployed by Chevy Chase as the Land Shark.

* In honor of Mr. Marshall's dignity and service to his country, the role of "asshat" will be played by "turkey" today. Christmas comes early for Mom!

Friday, November 21, 2008

An Open Letter To Wikipedia

Hey! Asshats!

Just who the fuck do you think you are asking for $6 million in charitable donations? I don't know if you've seen the news lately but we're broke! Things are tough all over and charitable donations are going to be pretty light this year. Unemployment and homelessness are everywhere. Why should any of that money go to you at a time like this?

Maybe we should give it to Harvesters to help them meet record food demands.

"The number of people requesting emergency food assistance is increasing at a rate we have never seen before. Historically, we distribute 6% more every year—until this year. Since the beginning of 2008, we have seen a 30% increase in the number of pounds of food we have distributed. Based on a survey of our network pantries and kitchens, the demand for emergency food assistance is currently up 50% and is continuing to rise.

Harvesters is distributing more food than it ever has before. We distributed 600,000 lbs more in July-Sept of this year to our network of food pantries, kitchens and shelters than we did during the same time last year. However, the increased demand is so significant, our food supply cannot keep up with the need.

How did you get to be a charity in the first place? Was there a space on the questionnaire to point out that we write all of your content for you for free? By the way can we get a tax receipt for that service?

What are you really contributing to society? Half assed college essays? You should change your slogan from "Making life easier" to "Making you dumberer." Some things are too easy already!

Today's college student wakes up at noon with a beer pong hangover and jumps on the internet to whip out a quick report on Japanese Mythology. It's too bad he can't write it about Japanese Toilets since that article is almost twice as long!

How many people have to starve in the gutter so that we can learn as much about Transformers: Universe as the actual universe?

How many children must we deprive of health care so that our knowledge of astronomy pales in comparison to our knowledge of things that George Lucas changed in the Star Wars re-releases?

You run a website. Nothing more. If you need more money to run it sell advertising like everyone else but DO NOT take money from people with real need.


Barstool Pundit

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Someone is on it. And has no excuse not to blog.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking

Local wise guy (literally, not cosa nostra-ly) Midtown Miscreant recently went on a bit of a rant about some asshat that made a living filing lawsuits against businesses that weren't in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act. Not to pick a fight about the merits or flaws of that guy, but the rant and proceeding comments were reflective of a certain mindset.

See, the American people are far more advanced than your average Constitutional Law professor. Those poofs can fret about penumbras and such, but a majority of the American people know that they enjoy a fundamental right to "do whatever the fuck I want as long as no one gets hurt and/or I don't get caught." That's how serious this is -- your average guy says "and/or," like a jailhouse lawyer. An even more broadly recognized right is --the Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking.

MM is pissed that he has to walk so damn far to the door of the store, and he blames handicap parking spots. It's not just him, it's his commentors. And it's not just them, it's about everybody I know. Barstool Pundit and I have this ongoing, well, not really a dispute, as much as a conversation. We go somewhere, he's driving, I laugh as he spends an extra five minutes driving around the parking lot ensuring he gets as close as possible to the front door of our destination. It doesn't matter that we have nothing heavy to carry. It doesn't matter that we're both able bodied. To him, it's a GADDAM AMERICAN DUTY to park as close to the door as possible.

I don't get it. And I really don't get how it boils over into resentment over handicapped parking spots as demonstrated in MM's post and the responses to it. You've got an entire country zoned around parking. You can't build a business without promising to have sufficient parking. We've got acres of parking, so that you don't even have the disruption of streets or pedestrians trying to do something other than what you're trying to do -- get into that damn store. But still, we have angst. And better than that, angst that fails to recognize its own asshat nature. I'm sorry, Mr. Miscreant. Love the blog, love you -- but... really:

It's guys like Molski that ensure you will have to walk a quarter mile across Walmart's parking lot, because all of the non-handicap parking spots are in the nosebleed section. Ever see anyone wheeling around Walmart in a wheelchair, other than a greeter? I didn't think so. Oh sure you see the occasional fat lady in pink stretch pants, careening down the middle of the potato chip aisle at a blistering 2.5 Mph. Chances are she isn't crippled anyway, just lazy, or maybe she just likes driving that stretched out rascal with a grocery cart stuck on the front.

Yes! It's not the 100 hundred other people who showed up to shop at the same time as you that kept you from the rock star parking! It's that one row of handicapped parking! Never mind that if we took away all that handicapped parking tomorrow, your odds of getting that front door spot are about as realistic as Joe the Plumber's fear that he'll have to pay the top tax rate on income from that business he doesn't own that's never netted enough to qualify for the top tax rate. It's still possible! And if it's possible, you've got a fundamental right to your resentment. And laugh at other people for being fucking lazy as you bitch about having to walk 1/4 mile to the store. It's like the mother fucking Trail of Tears to WalMart!!!

I suppose in some perfect and just world built around parking lot equity we would have spots for the handicapped, spots for the nurses who just got off 12 hour shifts working on their feet, spots for parents who have to get 2 kids in and out the door, spots for people who just had a shitty day, pretty much spots for everyone who has a decent excuse to not want to walk too far to the door. But in that perfect parking equity world, not everyone gets to park in the first fucking row. So get over yourselves. If you show up at the store by yourself after spending a day sitting at your fucking desk-- park away from the front! I know, it's revolutionary. But maybe, just maybe, parking really close to the door isn't a fundamental human right. Maybe, just maybe, a more honest assessment of your needs will lead to you parking 1/4 mile away from the door and being ok with it.

Monday, November 17, 2008

45K worth of my side of the story

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Letters of Recommendation Never Sent

To Whom It May Concern :

Jane Doe has been employed at our company for eight years. I suspect the length of her stay is not due to a commitment to her job, but rather her understanding that other businesses would be unwilling to hire her. During her time with us, Jane has been the catalyst for many dramatic situations. She can be relied upon to stress the difficulty in any circumstance. Her unbridled pessimism is a thing to behold, bested only by her self-absorption.

Jane considers the workplace her home and acts accordingly. She is an intelligent woman who would be capable of behaving in a professional manner if someone were able to impress upon her the meaning of the phrase. Jane has used the knowledge she gained from her M.S.W. studies to act out a variety of mental illnesses. I have no reservations in my qualification of this recommendation. Her unique gifts would be an asset in any dysfunctional workplace.



Thursday, November 13, 2008

There oughtta be a law against...

It's not a valid retirement plan!

Remember when the government thought gambling was bad? I do. Then I remember them selling the Lottery as the greatest thing ever because it would funnel gazillions of dollars into our schools. Now we have billions in lottery revenues but the schools always seem to be broke. We've been hornswaggled!

Surely you've heard the lottery referred to as an 'idiot tax'. It's an apt name. Educated people in the middle to upper classes buy relatively few lottery tickets. People who earn the least play the most. They cry out for redistribution of wealth and then stop by the 7-Eleven to supplement the revenues of state governments with money they can't afford to spend. A tax from which intelligent people are exempt.

So what about casinos? Well that's a funny thing. Of course these days you can find a casino or two in most major cities but that didn't come easy. Even in states running their own lotteries casinos had a tough time getting established. Again though, we were promised they would save our failing schools and again we are fattening up state coffers and still our schools are broke and failing. This isn't the interesting bit though.

What strikes me is that there are people who support lotteries but think casino gambling is immoral and should be outlawed. I think the opposite is true! Why? The odds man, the odds! Let's look at a couple of long term gambling plays as an example.

Gambling with the government: Let's use Powerball as an example in which you have a 36:1 chance of winning ANY prize at all. This means you will win something 2.7% of the time. Reality check: That something is going to be $3. The jackpot odds are an astonishing 146,107,962 to 1.

So if you spend $100 on Powerball tickets, you will lose 97 times and win $3 three times for a net loss of $91 and you will have exactly zero units of fun. (I think they're called gigglehertz or something.)

Gambling with the casino: Lets take that same $100 to the roulette wheel. Now we will bet $1 per spin on black or red. There are 2 green numbers on the wheel giving the house a modest edge. Whichever color we pick, we will win 48% of the time doubling our bet. So after 100 spins we lost 52 times and won $2 48 times for a net loss of FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS.

By taking our $100 to the casino we've saved $87! That's enough money to eat a good dinner and get drunk off your ass. Now you've actually had an evening's entertainment. That's like over 9,000 Gigglehertz!

Despite this, until a week ago, the State of Missouri enforced loss limits at casinos while allowing you to spend as much money on lottery tickets as you like!

Pro-tip: If you want to go to the casino play poker! Why? You aren't playing against the house! You only have to beat the other players at the table and most of them are idiots!

Disclaimer: Playing any house game is a losing proposition and I am in no way suggesting you should do it. The point of this post is not so much pro-gambling as it is anti-hypocrisy!

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

There oughtta be a law against...

...well, a lot of stuff really.

I hate to say it. I love freedom as much as anyone. I say smoke all the weed you want, make moonshine in your bathtub, hell get married and bang each other in your hairy assholes if that's what makes you happy. These are not things I require government intervention in. In a perfect world where people take responsibility for their own lives, civil liberties and the free market could be wonderful things. Alas, many Americans are far too stupid to care about their own self interests. Belief in deregulation and the infallibility of the free market is the belief that you can serve cake and ice cream to toddlers on fine china.

This is why we can't have nice things!

For far too long the American government has stood by and done nothing as corporate America preys on and fleeces the stupid. One would think the stupid would wise up after a while but they aren't and it's time for the feds to step in and take their toys away before somebody puts an eye out! (Actually it's too late.)

Payday Loans

In a responsible society: A useful service in rare emergencies. Be sure and pay it off on payday! That's why they call them that!

In 'Real America': Predatory lending at it's worst. A revolving credit line at over 500% APR that is crippling millions of idiots and, by extension, our economy. Everyone knows it. Even the idiots ruining their own lives know it. It's a $28 billion annual trickle up and it's perfectly legal. Can we really be this stupid?


In a responsible society you wouldn't have destroyed your credit in the first place so there would be no need for rent-to-own.

In 'Real America': It's the 'Cracker Jacks' of payday loans. You get a prize! Why don't you just wait a few months for that t.v. Save up that $30/week in a sock until you can buy it for $500 instead of renting it now and paying $5,000 for it.

Good news idiots! I got this in the mail this week, looks like you won't have to make two stops every friday anymore!


Drive-Thru Windows

In a responsible society: An occaisional convenience when you are in a rush.

In 'Real America': A dietary staple for millions of sedentary ham-beasts. The ultimate example of American laziness and excess.

It seemed like a really great idea in the 1940s but the fast food drive-thru spread like a malignant tumor over the last 60 years bringing nothing but heart attacks and global disaster. If you think Americans should be allowed easy inexpensive access to ultra high calorie/low nutrient food take a look at this.

Clearly Americans lack the self control necessary to handle drive-thru dining. Maybe if you had to waddle your fat ass inside the restaurant in plain view of the general public you would be too embarrassed to order that extra Big Mac with your value meal!

Also consider the environmental impact drive-thrus must have. I really wish someone would do a study of the carbon footprint of drive-thru traffic. All those cars idling away in those lines, wasting gas, belching fumes. Millions of them, every day. Why would we rather sit in a drive-thru lane for 15 minutes than go into the relatively empty counter where we can be out in under 5?

Someday soon you'll probably be able to take care of your dinner, furniture payment and payday loan all at the same drive-thru window. THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU ARE CHOOSING FOR YOURSELVES!

Renting-to-own deez McRims bitch.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

180 Days in the Hole

The Mayor of Kansas City, Missouri recently filed a law suit against the City to, long story short, make sure he can have his wife with him at all times of the day without interference from those who worry about effective governance, professionalism, or limiting liability from law suits resulting from his vulgar ass wife relentlessy insulting and pissing off an employee she claims was also a family friend. The Mayor's suit seeks to block enforcement of a city ordinance that prevents elected officials from having family members (ahem... Gloria) serve as full time volunteers in their offices.

In listing the Mayor's grievances, his lawyer deploys scare italics in numerous places. Just when I thought the reference to the "non-corporeal" sense of the word "office" couldn't be topped on the giggle scale, the petition alerts me to this frightening fact:
Noncompliance with the Ordinance (negligently or otherwise) thus carries a penalty of up to six months imprisonment, plus a $500 fine.
For some perspective, let's look at municipal ordinance violations that carry a penalty of up to six months imprisonment (!).

Sec. 50-13. Unauthorized distribution of trash tags or recycling bins.

In beautiful KCMO, you get two trash bags and one recycle bin per pick up. If you want more, you need to pay an additional fee for trash tags and extra bins. This ordinance presumably exists to discourage those individuals who are too lazy to strip buildings of copper and too bored with stealing stickers off of license plates from starting a black market in trash tags. Which is for the best, because a black market in trash tags is so... Soviet occupied Kafka.

Sec. 50-45. Unlawful removal of official documents or papers.

Before Tony gets excited, this ordinance applies to people removing official documents or papers without authorization from one's superior, so, no, the Mayor's home office does not apply. This ordinance is obviously designed to prevent negligent or intentional loss of official documents. It probably gets broken every time a employee takes some work home. Don't laugh! It could and probably does happen that city employees take some work home. The way this ordinance is drafted, some enterprising young city attorney who decides to take home some legal documents to review while doing laundry could be subjected to a penalty of up to six months imprisonment(!).

Sec. 50-202. Prohibition on swimming and wading in fountains and in Brush Creek.

This is probably the closest to the Mayor's situation with the volunteer ordinance. You're not supposed to wade or swim in Brush Creek or any city fountain unless the Parks Board has marked it as safe for wading or swimming. You'd like to think that basic survival instincts would warn you against jumping into the Creek lovingly known as Flush. But the fountains are more understandably tempting. Say you're a teenager or a bridesmaid looking to do something wacky and take a great photo. Or maybe you just need a refresher after standing in the sun reminding passersby to buy local produce and to demand that Bush be turned over to a war crimes tribunal. Getting into the fountain seems like a nice and harmless thing to do. But it's not. You can harm the fountain, causing the city to pay for expensive repairs. Or you could harm yourself by improper interaction with electrical lines running through water.

Jumping in the fountain looks like fun, but all things considered it's a bad idea. You may say - my taxes paid for that fountain! Or - it's my first amendment right to express my love of Kansas City by frolicking in that fountain! And if you jump in that fountain right now, your fountain story will probably end up happily, without damage to you or the fountain.

But reasonable people aren't going to want to jump into the fountain on a regular basis. And reasonable people aren't going to be surprised when habitual fountain frolicking results in them being ticketed.

They may be surprised to discover that the ordinance specifically provides for up to six months imprisonment(!). But here's the deal - pretty much every municipal ordinance provides for up to six months imprisonment(!), either specifically (as in the ones cited above) or through Sec. 1-17, which provides the default penalty for ordinances that don't specify a maximum punishment (public urinators, think twice). The courts want to have maximum flexibility to determine appropriate punishment and that's how it's done.

But nobody wants to pay to actually house ordinance violators in jail for 180 days unless it's an extreme case. You'd need to be a first class asshat to end up in jail for fountain frolicking.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The single toughest decision facing our new president

Barack Obama's first order of business is no doubt the assembly of his Cabinet and White House staff. The economy is a shambles, so he must choose an economic advisor very carefully. We are in a prolonged two front war with new threats cropping up every day. So who will be our Secretaries of Defense and Homeland Security? What Secretary of Energy will save us from foreign oil and the sun?

Yes, all of these are important questions to be sure. There is however, a far more urgent matter to attend to.

Who will be the nation's new First Dog? I mean this isn't a simple family pet he is choosing here. This dog will be a symbol of his presidency, a mascot for the entire nation! He must choose a breed that sends the right message to America and to our allies and enemies abroad. Perhaps most importantly, this dog is certain to be a major player in Obama's 2012 re-election bid. The wrong dog could bring disaster! When we put a dog in the White House in 2012 we need to be damn sure it's the one WITHOUT lipstick if you know what I'm saying.

So let's look at some options.

Obama is nothing if not trendy and cool right? We'll start with that. Let's see the hippest dog breed out there right now is:

The Teacup Chihuahua

A couple of bitches

It's small and adorable and every little girl's dream dog thanks to the recent trend of Hollywood whores cramming them into their cocaine and vicodin filled purses. Still, this dog is completely unamerican! We can't have a First Dog that makes us look soft on immigration and border security! Not to mention it is tiny, timid and defenseless. Hardly the kind of mascot this country needs. We need a good strong, loyal and fearless protector. Something like...

The German Shepherd

One of my favorite breeds, German Shepherds are great dogs to be sure. They are loyal to the end, strong on defense and especially tough on crime. Again though, not American enough. It's too bad, but the reality is that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Besides, the German Shepherd is sort of my thing. Clearly, we need to focus on American breeds.

The Alaskan Husky

"...for me to shoot at!"

Sarah Palin after 3 months of consoling herself with Ben & Jerry's? No silly, it's a dog! Perhaps choosing this breed could be seen as reaching out to conservatives in a spirit of bipartisanship. Plus it is a strong and hardworking American breed. The problem? Its near twin the Siberian Husky!

______________________________'Sup Komrade?

Yep, the Alaskan Husky is very easily mistaken for a damn commie socialist pinko dog! Obama has been defending himself against cries of 'socialist' quite enough already! Clearly this dog won't do either! Although the thought of naming it Palin and giving it a good beating every 4 years is somewhat tempting.

The Beagle

The HMS Beagle

I was really leaning this way myself for a while. It's a friendly loyal dog and fine hunting companion with a keen nose. During my extensive research for this article however, I uncovered a very disturbing fact about Beagles. It turns out they are in fact English, not American. I don't know about you but a Beagle in the White House makes me fear for my second amendment rights. I'll be god damned if I'm going to have the King of England all up in my business without a gun handy!

America, there is really only one choice. Only one breed of dog that truly represents this nation at it's finest.

The Labrador Retriever

Labradors have it all. They are a proud breed who love their country. They can be white, black or brown. Truly they are a celebration of this nation's racial diversity. They are determined service dogs, many of whom worked their foot pads to bloody nubs in the ashes and rubble of 9/11. They are heroes. America needs heroes now more than ever.

America needs its First Labrador.

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w00t! America

Just w00t.

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Saturday, November 1, 2008

Band? check. Flag corp? check. War machine?

So you're at your local sporting event and going through the motions of the opening ceremonies. The band is playing some incredible combination of songs that even 101 uses sparingly. And then, because it's the midwest and we love our military bases, and it's the Big 12 and we're not to be trifled with, you get the flyover. The PA draws your attention to the north. You stare into the sun. It's a long awkward moment of everyone staring into the sun. And then there they are, low to the ground, mounting Mt. Oread, two black hawks. And because this is America, you don't think of this:

Believe it or not, there are places in the world where it isn't necessary to have a military hardware demonstration to begin a respectable sporting event. But this is not that place. In this place, we celebrate the beginning of a game with displays of force under the guise of honoring those who serve.

Well guess what, asshat. It's not about respecting the troops. It's about respecting the need to continue to turn over the nation's wealth to those who build the hardware. If it were about the troops and celebrating their service in Iraq, we'd have them drive in from Topeka or where the fuck ever and put them on the field and raise our voices and hands in support and honor of their service. No, the troops are honored by the opportunity to fly that powerful machine over a crowd of friendlies who won't shoot at them. And the rest of us are trained to CHEER the display of military force. To see them fly over our homes and towns and be greeted as protectors, not aggressors.

It is wasteful to have these displays. Wasteful of resources and time to have war machines fly over football games. But the builders want us to view their products with warmth and affection. And it works. We see the flyover and we love our troops and we feel safe. But how fucking sick is it that at a time when American firepower is felt by innocents on the other side of the globe, we cheer these machines of death in the frivolous moment of a sporting event?

A B-2 bomber over Arrowhead is a moving thing. But how many who've witnessed it have thought about what it would be like to live in a place where that boom represents death and not the motherfucking home of the chiefs?

God Bless our Troops. And fuck the lot of assholes that keeps them so busy. Check out 2:09 and tell me if that looks like a fucking football field.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Barack Obama is not racist enough to be president.

The Missouri Republican State Committee is now reduced to appealing to our inner racist in hopes of swinging the state their way. I suppose it's worth a shot. We're an important state, the polls are very tight here and we have more racists than you can shake a stick at.

I'm talking about a mailing I got today that attacks Obama as being soft on crime. Specifically it makes the following claims:

  • Obama is against tougher penalties on crack-cocaine users.

  • Obama voted against making gang members eligible for the death penalty if they kill someone to help their gang.

Just crack users? Not concerned with say meth or powdered cocaine favored by whites?

I get it. What you are telling me is that Barack Obama is against laws specifically targeting black people and therefore unfit to be president. Damn dude. That's pretty fucking racist. Did you send that to every registered voter in the state or just the white ones?

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Military Intelligence is still my favorite oxy-moron.

To say that the cranky old men running the military are out of touch with technology and the ways in which people use it would be a masterpiece of understatement.

If you follow the news you may have heard about this report released by the 304th Military Intelligence Battalion wherein they outline the deadly potential of Twitter. The level of technological ignorance of certain parts of this report are so astonishing I'm amazed they managed to convert it to a .pdf file for distribution. More likely they produced it on their trusty WWII era surplus typewriters and hauled it down to Kinko's to have it 'fixed for computer.'

Here are a couple of Twitter Terror scenarios they are concerned about.

  • Terrorists monitoring troop movements will use Twitter on their cell phones to coordinate attacks on American soldiers.

  • Terrorists planning a bombing will use cell phone pictures and tweets to choose the best moment to detonate a bomb.

Hey! Asshats! You don't need Twitter for any of that! Cell phones already do all that stuff and have for years! The only difference is that if they use Twitter it is easier for you to monitor and catch them! How much tax payer money was expended in the preparation of this report and can we get a refund please?

But wait! There's more!

By far my favorite concern expressed by the report is this:

  • Terrorists will follow the tweets of a soldier in the field and use Twitter to obtain tactical information.

As if soldiers are just running around the desert twittering troop strengths and movements to their girlfriends back home.

Hey! Asshats! You know what you should be more concerned about?

How about the NBC Nightly God Damn News!?

Don't believe me? Watch this special report on Viper Company in Afghanistan! It details the tactics they are using to flush out the Taliban in specific locations. Deceptive tactics! Tactics that don't work if the bad guys know what you are doing! Tactics you probably shouldn't have on the fucking news!

That's my intelligence report for you assholes. That'll be $30 million (Euros please!)

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Government Funded Healthcare is a One Way Ticket to the Breadlines!

I don't understand why conservatives shit their slacks at the slightest mention of government funded healthcare. The evil republican overlords don't even have to say the word 'communism' any more. The conservative base is so ignorant that they can get by with 'socialism'. In fact the word socialism has such a stigma attached to it that liberals dare not utter it even when it is appropriately descriptive. So here are a couple of nuggets of wisdom you asshats need to stir into those little tubs of rancid pudding you call brains.

There are many types of socialism!

For our purposes I will only distinguish between two of them.


BOO! haha, scary fucking word isn't it? Hope you brought clean underwear!

Now communism in theory and communism in practice are not the same thing. In theory, communism is not a totalitarian dictatorship run by a single ruling party, in reality, well it sort of is. Existing so called 'communist' nations have certainly set a bad example with regard to human rights and civil liberties. I can totally understand why the thought of it leaves a bad taste in your mouth despite all the kick ass facial hair.

Well don't worry! I am not a communist! Barack Obama is not a communist! Nobody is trying to make you a communist! So why don't you just chill the fuck out while I introduce you to something we like to call...

Democratic Socialism!:

BOO! haha, gotcha again. You are terrified of that word too because you are ignorant!

Social democrats support the nationalization of specific programs, like healthcare, combined with tax-funded welfare programs. This does not mean we have to give up capitalism or free markets or getting our toilet paper and vodka in the same line!

Hey here's a newsflash. We already use it! What the fuck do you think medicaid is? All anyone is really suggesting is expanding that coverage and offering it to more people. It's a GOOD idea. Lot's of freedom loving allied countries do it. You can't be that fucking frightened, I don't see any gun toting civilian rednecks patrolling the Canadian border.

So the next time you hear some conservative fear monger tell you that some liberal or another supports socialism don't run and hide under the bed! Recognize political rhetoric for what it is and stop embarrassing yourselves please!

Oh, and hey liberals! Stop being such fucking pussies about it! You don't have to defend against accusations of socialism! You don't have to avoid using that word! If you support something that is socialist in nature just fucking say so. If people call you a communist, call them ignorant.

Better yet, call them an asshat!

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Looks like giving Tony that blow job really paid off! (no homo)

Read what the fine folk (can I use that in the singular?) over at Tony's Kansas City have to say about Hey! Asshats!

"This blog by The Barstool Pundit is probably the best thing in the local blogosphere as of late . . ."

"This blog (has) everything: A great sensibility, charts, graphs and even cute canine photos!!!"

"Check it out, add it to your blogroll . . . Expect good things from this latest addition to the Kansas City blogosphere. "

Now I have 2 followers and a comment! I didn't realize my eFame would bring so much pressure to produce. I just pooped in my pants a little bit!

Not to worry though, I won't forget all the little people that helped me get where I am today and I won't let success change me from the modest fun loving scamp I've always been. So take a word of advice from Tony and stay tuned!

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Global Warming Proof of Intelligent Design!

I have considered myself an agnostic for many many years. It's an easy call to make if you have even the slightest grasp of the basic tenets of science and were raised under any religion that teaches the bible as literal and inerrant. (Baptists are asshats.)

Then today I'm doing some reading. You know, expanding my mind, broadening my horizons and all that. I came across a few things that lead me to believe I may have misunderstood. Maybe, just maybe, there is a God and it's just the theology that is fucked up. Maybe the Earth is heating up because He is pissed.

Let's say for the sake of argument that God created the universe and everything in it hundreds of billions of years ago. Then about 4.5 billion years ago, all according to God's plan, the Earth formed. Another billion years after that, all according to God's plan, the first single cell bacteria began to appear and these Stromatolites reigned the Earth for the next 2 billion years. As their numbers increased, all according to God's plan, they gradually changed the Earth's atmosphere from a carbon dioxide-rich mixture to the present-day oxygen-rich atmosphere and paved the way for more advanced life forms. Yada yada yada, time goes on.

Bear with me, I know you asshats hate learning sciencey things!

Now let's move up to the Cretaceous period where something very interesting happened that could only have been the result of omniscient foresight on God's behalf. The North American tectonic plates collided to form our great nation along with Canada which isn't so bad really and well Mexico but who really cares about them. So anyway, this resulted in a land mass that had a large lowland area in the middle. As a result, all according to God's magnificent plan, the high sea levels of the Cretaceous formed the Western Interior Seaway in the middle of North America. Eventually, things cooled and much of the Earths water froze around the poles, lowering sea levels and exposing the land, leaving behind numerous sea creature fossils, (more on that later.)

Finally, just a few thousand years ago, God's greatest achievement, Man, arrived on the scene. Now God was pretty proud of all He had created and He wanted Man to know Him and understand His great works in all their complexity. So He left behind mountains of empirical evidence so that we could understand how His great plan had unfolded. There are fossils of those single celled bacteria that are billions of years old. He left dinosaur bones for us to find. He gave us the necessary intellect to study nature, even to build telescopes and explore the stars.

Now there is a problem. Not to worry, He had foreseen it as I stated above. There are all these fucktarded asshats spreading lies about Him! Telling the world He hates fags! Killing in His name! Raising their children to believe those dinosaur bones aren't real, just a test of faith! (Thanks dad, still pissed about that one.) They use the fossils of sea creatures found in the middle of North America to claim proof of the Noah's Ark story rather than as evidence of the Cretaceous period seas.

Now here's the real genius of the plan. In large number, these same asshats that deny the very existence of a Cretaceous period are the ones who deny the existence of global warming. They are the very people who drive hummers and chant DRILL BABY DRILL! and leave the lights on when they go out.

Well I can see the majesty of God's plan now. You just go right on and drill. Buy cases of old hairspray at the flea market and release it all into the air. Melt that ice asshats, i dare you!

You'll pay for your lifetime of blasphemy and fucktarded asshattery when the flood waters rise! And frankly Colorado and New Mexico are sacrifices we are willing to make. (Florida is a no brainer.)

And as your homes are washed away and your lives destroyed, off in the distance you will be able to hear God chuckling to Himself and muttering, "I hope the irony isn't lost on you."

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Which Republican are you?

Generally speaking, this blog is not intended to be partisan or even political in nature. However, we are two weeks away from the most important election of our lives, (if not all of history) and Republicans do coincidentally comprise a large segment of the asshat population.

So, which Republican are you?

The Idiot Republican

You don't watch the news or understand any of the issues and when asked, you have a difficult time explaining just why it is you are a Republican. You are the kind of idiot that believes Barack Obama is an Arab who leads a sinister terrorist organization called ACORN who is plotting to withhold affordable mortgages from dying infants.

The reality is that your attachment to the party is emotional rather than intellectual. Maybe you were raised by Republican parents and were too lazy or disinterested to educate yourself and form your own political identity. Maybe you are a paranoid racist. Maybe you believe the Republican party supports your moral or religious beliefs. Well guess what idiot! They don't! They are using that shit to distract you so they can take your money. Here, take a look at these two charts. Look really hard.

Do you understand them? If so, CONGRATULATIONS you are now a democrat! If not, well you really aren't smart enough to vote are you? Just stay at home election day. Maybe TNT will have a Kenny Rogers movie marathon or something.

The Asshat Republican

You are far more irritating than the idiot Republican. You are a festering boil, a cancer on society. You believe you are well informed about the issues. How can you not be? You watch FOX News all the time and God knows they are the only fair and balanced news network out there in the sea of liberal media. Well guess what asshat! Everything you believe is a lie! I could try to prove they are lying to you but you won't believe. I could argue the issues but you've heard all the facts refuted by Ann Coulter so many times you can regurgitate her raging nonsense in your sleep. You think you are soooooo smart!

Hint: There is a 70% chance you aren't as smart as you think you are!

You believe that the evil Repulican overlords want to drill for oil in Alaska so you can have cheap plentiful gas, not because it makes them wealthy to do so.

Drill baby drill!!

You believe that Democrats want to raise your taxes. You believe that the evil Republican overlords want to give tax breaks to the wealthy so they have more money to trickle down to you in a magical golden shower. Well you're getting a golden shower from your party that's for sure!

Click for legible size!

Hint: There is an 80% chance your own party is out to fuck you!

Hint: ^That way^ is UP and that's not a trickle it's a flood.

The Evil Overlord Republican

You sly devil you! You are rich as hell and know exactly what is going on. You are greedy, corrupt, dishonest and unashamed. You speak of moral conservatism and patriotism so the idiots will support you while you bring them poverty, suffering and death. You twist words, distort contexts and hide facts so the asshats will praise your name while you fleece their wallets and futures.

You are that top 1% of the population that controls nearly 40% of the nation's wealth and it isn't enough for you. You have no compassion, no empathy, no concern for the greater good. You are beyond asshattery. I am coming for your money. We all are. Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be.

Stay tuned asshats! We'll be covering the important issues in greater detail in the days to come. Then, after the election, we'll move on to all the other retarded shit you do!

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What is an asshat?

The world is, as it has always been, full of idiots. Idiots come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your ignorant, your stupid and your misinformed. Some people are idiots just because they lack any intellectual curiosity. (I call these people fucktards but that is an altogether different blog.)

The thing about your everyday idiot is that if you remove all the shiny objects from the room and prop his eyelids open with toothpicks you can generally straighten him out on any given topic. At the very least you can make him feel stupid enough to shut up and leave you alone. This is not so easily done with the asshat.

Think of an asshat as a confrontational idiot. No matter how obviously stupid his opinion is or how well you have argued the point, the asshat thinks you are the idiot. If you have argued vigorously enough he may even think you are the asshat.

If you are an asshat, or know any asshats, this is the blog for you!

(Hint: It's both of you)

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