Friday, December 5, 2008

Me, God, and Santa Claus: the proabortion trinity

I'm tired of hearing how everyone on both sides of the issue can agree that lowering the number of abortions in this country is a good thing.

I don't agree.

I want more abortions in this country and I have God and Santa Claus on my side.

God wants to stop the insanity because the pearly gates are just not equipped to deal with all this judging and St. Peter quit somewhere in the late 18th century.

Imagine, here you are the all powerful being of the entire universe and you give that one planet a few souls and advise them to multiply.

The all powerful sets up heaven to deal with a billion or so folks, and wham, people do what people do. They fuck. They fuck a lot.

So then after a few thousand years he has to have a flood to kill everyone but that Noah guy, or Gilgamesh, or whoever you think saved humanity from the big flood and we start over.
God gives us a little more social convention and gay sex to calm things down a bit, but after the glut in the flood he's got to have 15 or 20 billion souls in heaven. At 21 grams per soul that's over 800 million pounds of soul he's got to deal with for eternity.
He then gets a little stricter on who he is going to let in, and puts his kids buddy Peter in charge of deciding who gets into heaven and who heads south. The all knowing must have been fucked up that day because he clearly forgot about drugs and rock and roll. Nothing goes better with drugs and rock and roll except for fucking. And ever since this unholy trinity has gotten together we have been making babies like it's a contest.
St. Peter quit when God told him to start letting evangelicals in somewhere in the 18th century. God loves them because they are anti fucking (but pro methed-out gay fucking which wasn't as popular then), but Peter knew they were just assholes trying to make a buck.
So, for the past few hundred years God has been dealing with the comings and goings of Heaven without a good manager, and it is beginning to take its toll. Seeing as there have been over a 100 trillion people on earth since the beginning of time, and he's had to start letting gays and black people in over the past few years, he's probably looking at 25 or 30 trillion in heaven proper.
That now puts him at what?
Must be like, 1.2 trillion pounds of soul floating around in heaven. That's a lot to deal with.
He's already shown that when the going gets tough, the tough send a species to extinction. None of us want that.
Solution, abort the little bastards before they get here or we all need to learn how to tread water for a damn long time. If you can't get behind baby killing, at least quit bugging him with prayers about your silly fucking existence, after all he does have a five billion or so other cock suckers to deal with. (I of course omitted the Chinese and the French from that number, as being from either country is a sure ticket on the train to hell.)
Santa is just tired of the little fuckers asking for video games, and Disney shit. He's at his wits end.
So please, don't worry about saving the ozone layer, or cleaning up the rivers, it's all bullshit. What we really need to do is put less ass in the seat of time. Since people, even morons, are going to fuck whether we like it or not, Value Meal number 69 at McDonald's should come with a drive through D&C.


Throws Shoe at TV said...

I got bad news for ya, tough guy. Aborted babies go to heaven. The answer remains: more birth control and ass fucking!

bourbondreams said...

God damb it. We're all screwed, some of us more uncomfortably than others.