I am Aware of all Moron Traditions

I try to be nice, I really do. But sometimes people beg for it. They hire a plane to fly over my home with a banner that says in ALL CAPS - please make fun of me!! This is one of those times. The following letter appeared in the new edition of the Pitch. I apologize in advance for publishing it in its entirety.

I'm writing in regard to wannabe hipster, pseudo-clever Town Without Pity writer Scott Wilson's take on The Kansas City Star's latest round of layoffs. Is this guy on crack or is he just a toolshed?

Wilson wrote: "Anyone who calls President-elect Obama a socialist is a moron." Wow. Since Scott is clearly not the type of person to keep a dictionary, history book or anything more intellectually stimulating than Green Eggs and Ham in his house, I took the liberty of doing a Google search for the term socialism. Link after link mentions distribution of wealth — maybe Scotty wasn't listening when Obama said, "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everyone."

If only morons call Obama a socialist, then what does that say about the type of people who get hired by The Pitch? Hey, Scott! Obama is a socialist, and it's painfully obvious to anyone with even a modicum of intelligence. I understand that people who make asinine statements are awarded more space in print media, but you really seemed to have jumped off the deep end.

Now that I've shown my aptitude for belittling others and writing in a juvenile manner, perhaps The Pitch will now ask me to write for them.

I've got a couple of issues with Joshua here. The first one is his inability to grasp the definition of "socialism." The second is his snotty attitude about being called a "moron" while demonstrating in painful detail that he is, indeed, a moron. Did I say I only had a couple of issues with him? That was a lie. I've got more than a couple. Joshua Lawson has succeeded in being dumb enough in his letter that I can't, off the top of my head, count the ways in which he has manifested his stupidity.

Because google and dictionaries mean something to Joshua, I'll do my best to communicate with him on his own terms. The dictionary:

moron

1usually offensive : a mildly mentally retarded person
2: a very stupid person

The google:

Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating state or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society.

Guy who defines "socialism" as the "distribution of wealth"?

FUCKING MORON.

Joshua Lawson hit so many high notes of idiocy, it's hard to break them all down. But let's start here... if you're going to pretend to do internet research, bring something stronger than google. And if you're going to pretend to internet research on google, at least get your terms right -- there's actually a significant difference between "distribution of wealth" and "redistribution of wealth." In fact, anyone with a modicum of familiarity with socialism would know that.

But not our dear Joshua.