Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Which Republican are you?

Generally speaking, this blog is not intended to be partisan or even political in nature. However, we are two weeks away from the most important election of our lives, (if not all of history) and Republicans do coincidentally comprise a large segment of the asshat population.

So, which Republican are you?

The Idiot Republican

You don't watch the news or understand any of the issues and when asked, you have a difficult time explaining just why it is you are a Republican. You are the kind of idiot that believes Barack Obama is an Arab who leads a sinister terrorist organization called ACORN who is plotting to withhold affordable mortgages from dying infants.

The reality is that your attachment to the party is emotional rather than intellectual. Maybe you were raised by Republican parents and were too lazy or disinterested to educate yourself and form your own political identity. Maybe you are a paranoid racist. Maybe you believe the Republican party supports your moral or religious beliefs. Well guess what idiot! They don't! They are using that shit to distract you so they can take your money. Here, take a look at these two charts. Look really hard.

Do you understand them? If so, CONGRATULATIONS you are now a democrat! If not, well you really aren't smart enough to vote are you? Just stay at home election day. Maybe TNT will have a Kenny Rogers movie marathon or something.

The Asshat Republican

You are far more irritating than the idiot Republican. You are a festering boil, a cancer on society. You believe you are well informed about the issues. How can you not be? You watch FOX News all the time and God knows they are the only fair and balanced news network out there in the sea of liberal media. Well guess what asshat! Everything you believe is a lie! I could try to prove they are lying to you but you won't believe. I could argue the issues but you've heard all the facts refuted by Ann Coulter so many times you can regurgitate her raging nonsense in your sleep. You think you are soooooo smart!

Hint: There is a 70% chance you aren't as smart as you think you are!

You believe that the evil Repulican overlords want to drill for oil in Alaska so you can have cheap plentiful gas, not because it makes them wealthy to do so.

Drill baby drill!!

You believe that Democrats want to raise your taxes. You believe that the evil Republican overlords want to give tax breaks to the wealthy so they have more money to trickle down to you in a magical golden shower. Well you're getting a golden shower from your party that's for sure!

Click for legible size!

Hint: There is an 80% chance your own party is out to fuck you!

Hint: ^That way^ is UP and that's not a trickle it's a flood.

The Evil Overlord Republican

You sly devil you! You are rich as hell and know exactly what is going on. You are greedy, corrupt, dishonest and unashamed. You speak of moral conservatism and patriotism so the idiots will support you while you bring them poverty, suffering and death. You twist words, distort contexts and hide facts so the asshats will praise your name while you fleece their wallets and futures.

You are that top 1% of the population that controls nearly 40% of the nation's wealth and it isn't enough for you. You have no compassion, no empathy, no concern for the greater good. You are beyond asshattery. I am coming for your money. We all are. Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be.

Stay tuned asshats! We'll be covering the important issues in greater detail in the days to come. Then, after the election, we'll move on to all the other retarded shit you do!

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

1 comment:

Stacey K said...

Pretty good breakdown of the Republican party. I liked you at asshat, but the phrase evil republican overlords just stole my heart. :-)