Thursday, October 23, 2008

Global Warming Proof of Intelligent Design!

I have considered myself an agnostic for many many years. It's an easy call to make if you have even the slightest grasp of the basic tenets of science and were raised under any religion that teaches the bible as literal and inerrant. (Baptists are asshats.)

Then today I'm doing some reading. You know, expanding my mind, broadening my horizons and all that. I came across a few things that lead me to believe I may have misunderstood. Maybe, just maybe, there is a God and it's just the theology that is fucked up. Maybe the Earth is heating up because He is pissed.

Let's say for the sake of argument that God created the universe and everything in it hundreds of billions of years ago. Then about 4.5 billion years ago, all according to God's plan, the Earth formed. Another billion years after that, all according to God's plan, the first single cell bacteria began to appear and these Stromatolites reigned the Earth for the next 2 billion years. As their numbers increased, all according to God's plan, they gradually changed the Earth's atmosphere from a carbon dioxide-rich mixture to the present-day oxygen-rich atmosphere and paved the way for more advanced life forms. Yada yada yada, time goes on.

Bear with me, I know you asshats hate learning sciencey things!

Now let's move up to the Cretaceous period where something very interesting happened that could only have been the result of omniscient foresight on God's behalf. The North American tectonic plates collided to form our great nation along with Canada which isn't so bad really and well Mexico but who really cares about them. So anyway, this resulted in a land mass that had a large lowland area in the middle. As a result, all according to God's magnificent plan, the high sea levels of the Cretaceous formed the Western Interior Seaway in the middle of North America. Eventually, things cooled and much of the Earths water froze around the poles, lowering sea levels and exposing the land, leaving behind numerous sea creature fossils, (more on that later.)

Finally, just a few thousand years ago, God's greatest achievement, Man, arrived on the scene. Now God was pretty proud of all He had created and He wanted Man to know Him and understand His great works in all their complexity. So He left behind mountains of empirical evidence so that we could understand how His great plan had unfolded. There are fossils of those single celled bacteria that are billions of years old. He left dinosaur bones for us to find. He gave us the necessary intellect to study nature, even to build telescopes and explore the stars.

Now there is a problem. Not to worry, He had foreseen it as I stated above. There are all these fucktarded asshats spreading lies about Him! Telling the world He hates fags! Killing in His name! Raising their children to believe those dinosaur bones aren't real, just a test of faith! (Thanks dad, still pissed about that one.) They use the fossils of sea creatures found in the middle of North America to claim proof of the Noah's Ark story rather than as evidence of the Cretaceous period seas.

Now here's the real genius of the plan. In large number, these same asshats that deny the very existence of a Cretaceous period are the ones who deny the existence of global warming. They are the very people who drive hummers and chant DRILL BABY DRILL! and leave the lights on when they go out.

Well I can see the majesty of God's plan now. You just go right on and drill. Buy cases of old hairspray at the flea market and release it all into the air. Melt that ice asshats, i dare you!

You'll pay for your lifetime of blasphemy and fucktarded asshattery when the flood waters rise! And frankly Colorado and New Mexico are sacrifices we are willing to make. (Florida is a no brainer.)

And as your homes are washed away and your lives destroyed, off in the distance you will be able to hear God chuckling to Himself and muttering, "I hope the irony isn't lost on you."

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

1 comment:

emawkc said...

Awesome! Looks like I'll be sitting on some prime beach front property.

Hand me another aerosol can!

(off-topic: the word verification for this comment is "lessersw" - no joke!)