Monday, October 27, 2008

Barack Obama is not racist enough to be president.

The Missouri Republican State Committee is now reduced to appealing to our inner racist in hopes of swinging the state their way. I suppose it's worth a shot. We're an important state, the polls are very tight here and we have more racists than you can shake a stick at.

I'm talking about a mailing I got today that attacks Obama as being soft on crime. Specifically it makes the following claims:

  • Obama is against tougher penalties on crack-cocaine users.

  • Obama voted against making gang members eligible for the death penalty if they kill someone to help their gang.

Just crack users? Not concerned with say meth or powdered cocaine favored by whites?

I get it. What you are telling me is that Barack Obama is against laws specifically targeting black people and therefore unfit to be president. Damn dude. That's pretty fucking racist. Did you send that to every registered voter in the state or just the white ones?

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

Military Intelligence is still my favorite oxy-moron.

To say that the cranky old men running the military are out of touch with technology and the ways in which people use it would be a masterpiece of understatement.

If you follow the news you may have heard about this report released by the 304th Military Intelligence Battalion wherein they outline the deadly potential of Twitter. The level of technological ignorance of certain parts of this report are so astonishing I'm amazed they managed to convert it to a .pdf file for distribution. More likely they produced it on their trusty WWII era surplus typewriters and hauled it down to Kinko's to have it 'fixed for computer.'

Here are a couple of Twitter Terror scenarios they are concerned about.

  • Terrorists monitoring troop movements will use Twitter on their cell phones to coordinate attacks on American soldiers.

  • Terrorists planning a bombing will use cell phone pictures and tweets to choose the best moment to detonate a bomb.

Hey! Asshats! You don't need Twitter for any of that! Cell phones already do all that stuff and have for years! The only difference is that if they use Twitter it is easier for you to monitor and catch them! How much tax payer money was expended in the preparation of this report and can we get a refund please?

But wait! There's more!

By far my favorite concern expressed by the report is this:

  • Terrorists will follow the tweets of a soldier in the field and use Twitter to obtain tactical information.

As if soldiers are just running around the desert twittering troop strengths and movements to their girlfriends back home.

Hey! Asshats! You know what you should be more concerned about?

How about the NBC Nightly God Damn News!?

Don't believe me? Watch this special report on Viper Company in Afghanistan! It details the tactics they are using to flush out the Taliban in specific locations. Deceptive tactics! Tactics that don't work if the bad guys know what you are doing! Tactics you probably shouldn't have on the fucking news!

That's my intelligence report for you assholes. That'll be $30 million (Euros please!)

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Government Funded Healthcare is a One Way Ticket to the Breadlines!

I don't understand why conservatives shit their slacks at the slightest mention of government funded healthcare. The evil republican overlords don't even have to say the word 'communism' any more. The conservative base is so ignorant that they can get by with 'socialism'. In fact the word socialism has such a stigma attached to it that liberals dare not utter it even when it is appropriately descriptive. So here are a couple of nuggets of wisdom you asshats need to stir into those little tubs of rancid pudding you call brains.

There are many types of socialism!

For our purposes I will only distinguish between two of them.


BOO! haha, scary fucking word isn't it? Hope you brought clean underwear!

Now communism in theory and communism in practice are not the same thing. In theory, communism is not a totalitarian dictatorship run by a single ruling party, in reality, well it sort of is. Existing so called 'communist' nations have certainly set a bad example with regard to human rights and civil liberties. I can totally understand why the thought of it leaves a bad taste in your mouth despite all the kick ass facial hair.

Well don't worry! I am not a communist! Barack Obama is not a communist! Nobody is trying to make you a communist! So why don't you just chill the fuck out while I introduce you to something we like to call...

Democratic Socialism!:

BOO! haha, gotcha again. You are terrified of that word too because you are ignorant!

Social democrats support the nationalization of specific programs, like healthcare, combined with tax-funded welfare programs. This does not mean we have to give up capitalism or free markets or getting our toilet paper and vodka in the same line!

Hey here's a newsflash. We already use it! What the fuck do you think medicaid is? All anyone is really suggesting is expanding that coverage and offering it to more people. It's a GOOD idea. Lot's of freedom loving allied countries do it. You can't be that fucking frightened, I don't see any gun toting civilian rednecks patrolling the Canadian border.

So the next time you hear some conservative fear monger tell you that some liberal or another supports socialism don't run and hide under the bed! Recognize political rhetoric for what it is and stop embarrassing yourselves please!

Oh, and hey liberals! Stop being such fucking pussies about it! You don't have to defend against accusations of socialism! You don't have to avoid using that word! If you support something that is socialist in nature just fucking say so. If people call you a communist, call them ignorant.

Better yet, call them an asshat!

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

Looks like giving Tony that blow job really paid off! (no homo)

Read what the fine folk (can I use that in the singular?) over at Tony's Kansas City have to say about Hey! Asshats!

"This blog by The Barstool Pundit is probably the best thing in the local blogosphere as of late . . ."

"This blog (has) everything: A great sensibility, charts, graphs and even cute canine photos!!!"

"Check it out, add it to your blogroll . . . Expect good things from this latest addition to the Kansas City blogosphere. "

Now I have 2 followers and a comment! I didn't realize my eFame would bring so much pressure to produce. I just pooped in my pants a little bit!

Not to worry though, I won't forget all the little people that helped me get where I am today and I won't let success change me from the modest fun loving scamp I've always been. So take a word of advice from Tony and stay tuned!

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Global Warming Proof of Intelligent Design!

I have considered myself an agnostic for many many years. It's an easy call to make if you have even the slightest grasp of the basic tenets of science and were raised under any religion that teaches the bible as literal and inerrant. (Baptists are asshats.)

Then today I'm doing some reading. You know, expanding my mind, broadening my horizons and all that. I came across a few things that lead me to believe I may have misunderstood. Maybe, just maybe, there is a God and it's just the theology that is fucked up. Maybe the Earth is heating up because He is pissed.

Let's say for the sake of argument that God created the universe and everything in it hundreds of billions of years ago. Then about 4.5 billion years ago, all according to God's plan, the Earth formed. Another billion years after that, all according to God's plan, the first single cell bacteria began to appear and these Stromatolites reigned the Earth for the next 2 billion years. As their numbers increased, all according to God's plan, they gradually changed the Earth's atmosphere from a carbon dioxide-rich mixture to the present-day oxygen-rich atmosphere and paved the way for more advanced life forms. Yada yada yada, time goes on.

Bear with me, I know you asshats hate learning sciencey things!

Now let's move up to the Cretaceous period where something very interesting happened that could only have been the result of omniscient foresight on God's behalf. The North American tectonic plates collided to form our great nation along with Canada which isn't so bad really and well Mexico but who really cares about them. So anyway, this resulted in a land mass that had a large lowland area in the middle. As a result, all according to God's magnificent plan, the high sea levels of the Cretaceous formed the Western Interior Seaway in the middle of North America. Eventually, things cooled and much of the Earths water froze around the poles, lowering sea levels and exposing the land, leaving behind numerous sea creature fossils, (more on that later.)

Finally, just a few thousand years ago, God's greatest achievement, Man, arrived on the scene. Now God was pretty proud of all He had created and He wanted Man to know Him and understand His great works in all their complexity. So He left behind mountains of empirical evidence so that we could understand how His great plan had unfolded. There are fossils of those single celled bacteria that are billions of years old. He left dinosaur bones for us to find. He gave us the necessary intellect to study nature, even to build telescopes and explore the stars.

Now there is a problem. Not to worry, He had foreseen it as I stated above. There are all these fucktarded asshats spreading lies about Him! Telling the world He hates fags! Killing in His name! Raising their children to believe those dinosaur bones aren't real, just a test of faith! (Thanks dad, still pissed about that one.) They use the fossils of sea creatures found in the middle of North America to claim proof of the Noah's Ark story rather than as evidence of the Cretaceous period seas.

Now here's the real genius of the plan. In large number, these same asshats that deny the very existence of a Cretaceous period are the ones who deny the existence of global warming. They are the very people who drive hummers and chant DRILL BABY DRILL! and leave the lights on when they go out.

Well I can see the majesty of God's plan now. You just go right on and drill. Buy cases of old hairspray at the flea market and release it all into the air. Melt that ice asshats, i dare you!

You'll pay for your lifetime of blasphemy and fucktarded asshattery when the flood waters rise! And frankly Colorado and New Mexico are sacrifices we are willing to make. (Florida is a no brainer.)

And as your homes are washed away and your lives destroyed, off in the distance you will be able to hear God chuckling to Himself and muttering, "I hope the irony isn't lost on you."

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Which Republican are you?

Generally speaking, this blog is not intended to be partisan or even political in nature. However, we are two weeks away from the most important election of our lives, (if not all of history) and Republicans do coincidentally comprise a large segment of the asshat population.

So, which Republican are you?

The Idiot Republican

You don't watch the news or understand any of the issues and when asked, you have a difficult time explaining just why it is you are a Republican. You are the kind of idiot that believes Barack Obama is an Arab who leads a sinister terrorist organization called ACORN who is plotting to withhold affordable mortgages from dying infants.

The reality is that your attachment to the party is emotional rather than intellectual. Maybe you were raised by Republican parents and were too lazy or disinterested to educate yourself and form your own political identity. Maybe you are a paranoid racist. Maybe you believe the Republican party supports your moral or religious beliefs. Well guess what idiot! They don't! They are using that shit to distract you so they can take your money. Here, take a look at these two charts. Look really hard.

Do you understand them? If so, CONGRATULATIONS you are now a democrat! If not, well you really aren't smart enough to vote are you? Just stay at home election day. Maybe TNT will have a Kenny Rogers movie marathon or something.

The Asshat Republican

You are far more irritating than the idiot Republican. You are a festering boil, a cancer on society. You believe you are well informed about the issues. How can you not be? You watch FOX News all the time and God knows they are the only fair and balanced news network out there in the sea of liberal media. Well guess what asshat! Everything you believe is a lie! I could try to prove they are lying to you but you won't believe. I could argue the issues but you've heard all the facts refuted by Ann Coulter so many times you can regurgitate her raging nonsense in your sleep. You think you are soooooo smart!

Hint: There is a 70% chance you aren't as smart as you think you are!

You believe that the evil Repulican overlords want to drill for oil in Alaska so you can have cheap plentiful gas, not because it makes them wealthy to do so.

Drill baby drill!!

You believe that Democrats want to raise your taxes. You believe that the evil Republican overlords want to give tax breaks to the wealthy so they have more money to trickle down to you in a magical golden shower. Well you're getting a golden shower from your party that's for sure!

Click for legible size!

Hint: There is an 80% chance your own party is out to fuck you!

Hint: ^That way^ is UP and that's not a trickle it's a flood.

The Evil Overlord Republican

You sly devil you! You are rich as hell and know exactly what is going on. You are greedy, corrupt, dishonest and unashamed. You speak of moral conservatism and patriotism so the idiots will support you while you bring them poverty, suffering and death. You twist words, distort contexts and hide facts so the asshats will praise your name while you fleece their wallets and futures.

You are that top 1% of the population that controls nearly 40% of the nation's wealth and it isn't enough for you. You have no compassion, no empathy, no concern for the greater good. You are beyond asshattery. I am coming for your money. We all are. Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be.

Stay tuned asshats! We'll be covering the important issues in greater detail in the days to come. Then, after the election, we'll move on to all the other retarded shit you do!

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What is an asshat?

The world is, as it has always been, full of idiots. Idiots come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your ignorant, your stupid and your misinformed. Some people are idiots just because they lack any intellectual curiosity. (I call these people fucktards but that is an altogether different blog.)

The thing about your everyday idiot is that if you remove all the shiny objects from the room and prop his eyelids open with toothpicks you can generally straighten him out on any given topic. At the very least you can make him feel stupid enough to shut up and leave you alone. This is not so easily done with the asshat.

Think of an asshat as a confrontational idiot. No matter how obviously stupid his opinion is or how well you have argued the point, the asshat thinks you are the idiot. If you have argued vigorously enough he may even think you are the asshat.

If you are an asshat, or know any asshats, this is the blog for you!

(Hint: It's both of you)

Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit