The single toughest decision facing our new president

Barack Obama's first order of business is no doubt the assembly of his Cabinet and White House staff. The economy is a shambles, so he must choose an economic advisor very carefully. We are in a prolonged two front war with new threats cropping up every day. So who will be our Secretaries of Defense and Homeland Security? What Secretary of Energy will save us from foreign oil and the sun?

Yes, all of these are important questions to be sure. There is however, a far more urgent matter to attend to.

Who will be the nation's new First Dog? I mean this isn't a simple family pet he is choosing here. This dog will be a symbol of his presidency, a mascot for the entire nation! He must choose a breed that sends the right message to America and to our allies and enemies abroad. Perhaps most importantly, this dog is certain to be a major player in Obama's 2012 re-election bid. The wrong dog could bring disaster! When we put a dog in the White House in 2012 we need to be damn sure it's the one WITHOUT lipstick if you know what I'm saying.

So let's look at some options.

Obama is nothing if not trendy and cool right? We'll start with that. Let's see the hippest dog breed out there right now is:

The Teacup Chihuahua


A couple of bitches

It's small and adorable and every little girl's dream dog thanks to the recent trend of Hollywood whores cramming them into their cocaine and vicodin filled purses. Still, this dog is completely unamerican! We can't have a First Dog that makes us look soft on immigration and border security! Not to mention it is tiny, timid and defenseless. Hardly the kind of mascot this country needs. We need a good strong, loyal and fearless protector. Something like...

The German Shepherd



One of my favorite breeds, German Shepherds are great dogs to be sure. They are loyal to the end, strong on defense and especially tough on crime. Again though, not American enough. It's too bad, but the reality is that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Besides, the German Shepherd is sort of my thing. Clearly, we need to focus on American breeds.


The Alaskan Husky


"...for me to shoot at!"

Sarah Palin after 3 months of consoling herself with Ben & Jerry's? No silly, it's a dog! Perhaps choosing this breed could be seen as reaching out to conservatives in a spirit of bipartisanship. Plus it is a strong and hardworking American breed. The problem? Its near twin the Siberian Husky!

______________________________'Sup Komrade?
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Yep, the Alaskan Husky is very easily mistaken for a damn commie socialist pinko dog! Obama has been defending himself against cries of 'socialist' quite enough already! Clearly this dog won't do either! Although the thought of naming it Palin and giving it a good beating every 4 years is somewhat tempting.

The Beagle


The HMS Beagle

I was really leaning this way myself for a while. It's a friendly loyal dog and fine hunting companion with a keen nose. During my extensive research for this article however, I uncovered a very disturbing fact about Beagles. It turns out they are in fact English, not American. I don't know about you but a Beagle in the White House makes me fear for my second amendment rights. I'll be god damned if I'm going to have the King of England all up in my business without a gun handy!

America, there is really only one choice. Only one breed of dog that truly represents this nation at it's finest.

The Labrador Retriever


Labradors have it all. They are a proud breed who love their country. They can be white, black or brown. Truly they are a celebration of this nation's racial diversity. They are determined service dogs, many of whom worked their foot pads to bloody nubs in the ashes and rubble of 9/11. They are heroes. America needs heroes now more than ever.

America needs its First Labrador.

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