Celebrating Great American Turkeys

To say that our predecessors stole land from the Natives (or Indians, or feathers, it's all cool) does not adequately credit the asshattery sustained over generations it took to take all that land and integrate it into the existing system of property law. A 16 year old boy steals a six pack from the grocery store, goes to his buddy's house, drinks the beer and moves on with his life. America's Got Title! went a little bit more like this: America discovers a new grocery store, cruises the beer aisle, considers it uncivilized that the beer is on the shelf rather than being put to use by America, calls up his buddies to show up at the grocery store, tells the store owner - dude, that beer right there? You can't sell that to any one but me.

And when the store owner tries to sell beer to others, America shows up at the purchaser's house and says - dude, that owner did not have the right to sell that beer, it's my beer, hand it over, and go talk to the store owner if you want your damn money back.

That, in a nutshell, is how we came to own the land in this country. We basically went eminent domain on every tribe's ass. But it took a long time to work out the details, and in that time land speculators were very active and all sorts of questionable deeds were around. All this mischief came to an end due to the heroic efforts of today's featured [turkey]* - Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, John Marshall. In the case of Johnson v. M'Intosh, Marshall wrote a long, philisophical, and at times mournful opinion that comes down to - the natives have limited interest in the land, and whatever interest they have can only be sold to the federal government, this is so because it's always been so. You can read a nice, scholarly and historical take on the decision here. Or you can read the whole opinion. Or you can take my word for it and know that, in the end, the arguments are as impressive and successful as those deployed by Chevy Chase as the Land Shark.

* In honor of Mr. Marshall's dignity and service to his country, the role of "asshat" will be played by "turkey" today. Christmas comes early for Mom!

An Open Letter To Wikipedia

Hey! Asshats!

Just who the fuck do you think you are asking for $6 million in charitable donations? I don't know if you've seen the news lately but we're broke! Things are tough all over and charitable donations are going to be pretty light this year. Unemployment and homelessness are everywhere. Why should any of that money go to you at a time like this?



Maybe we should give it to Harvesters to help them meet record food demands.

"The number of people requesting emergency food assistance is increasing at a rate we have never seen before. Historically, we distribute 6% more every year—until this year. Since the beginning of 2008, we have seen a 30% increase in the number of pounds of food we have distributed. Based on a survey of our network pantries and kitchens, the demand for emergency food assistance is currently up 50% and is continuing to rise.

Harvesters is distributing more food than it ever has before. We distributed 600,000 lbs more in July-Sept of this year to our network of food pantries, kitchens and shelters than we did during the same time last year. However, the increased demand is so significant, our food supply cannot keep up with the need."

How did you get to be a charity in the first place? Was there a space on the questionnaire to point out that we write all of your content for you for free? By the way can we get a tax receipt for that service?

What are you really contributing to society? Half assed college essays? You should change your slogan from "Making life easier" to "Making you dumberer." Some things are too easy already!

Today's college student wakes up at noon with a beer pong hangover and jumps on the internet to whip out a quick report on Japanese Mythology. It's too bad he can't write it about Japanese Toilets since that article is almost twice as long!

How many people have to starve in the gutter so that we can learn as much about Transformers: Universe as the actual universe?

How many children must we deprive of health care so that our knowledge of astronomy pales in comparison to our knowledge of things that George Lucas changed in the Star Wars re-releases?

You run a website. Nothing more. If you need more money to run it sell advertising like everyone else but DO NOT take money from people with real need.

Kisses,

Barstool Pundit




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The Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking

Local wise guy (literally, not cosa nostra-ly) Midtown Miscreant recently went on a bit of a rant about some asshat that made a living filing lawsuits against businesses that weren't in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act. Not to pick a fight about the merits or flaws of that guy, but the rant and proceeding comments were reflective of a certain mindset.

See, the American people are far more advanced than your average Constitutional Law professor. Those poofs can fret about penumbras and such, but a majority of the American people know that they enjoy a fundamental right to "do whatever the fuck I want as long as no one gets hurt and/or I don't get caught." That's how serious this is -- your average guy says "and/or," like a jailhouse lawyer. An even more broadly recognized right is --the Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking.

MM is pissed that he has to walk so damn far to the door of the store, and he blames handicap parking spots. It's not just him, it's his commentors. And it's not just them, it's about everybody I know. Barstool Pundit and I have this ongoing, well, not really a dispute, as much as a conversation. We go somewhere, he's driving, I laugh as he spends an extra five minutes driving around the parking lot ensuring he gets as close as possible to the front door of our destination. It doesn't matter that we have nothing heavy to carry. It doesn't matter that we're both able bodied. To him, it's a GADDAM AMERICAN DUTY to park as close to the door as possible.

I don't get it. And I really don't get how it boils over into resentment over handicapped parking spots as demonstrated in MM's post and the responses to it. You've got an entire country zoned around parking. You can't build a business without promising to have sufficient parking. We've got acres of parking, so that you don't even have the disruption of streets or pedestrians trying to do something other than what you're trying to do -- get into that damn store. But still, we have angst. And better than that, angst that fails to recognize its own asshat nature. I'm sorry, Mr. Miscreant. Love the blog, love you -- but... really:

It's guys like Molski that ensure you will have to walk a quarter mile across Walmart's parking lot, because all of the non-handicap parking spots are in the nosebleed section. Ever see anyone wheeling around Walmart in a wheelchair, other than a greeter? I didn't think so. Oh sure you see the occasional fat lady in pink stretch pants, careening down the middle of the potato chip aisle at a blistering 2.5 Mph. Chances are she isn't crippled anyway, just lazy, or maybe she just likes driving that stretched out rascal with a grocery cart stuck on the front.

Yes! It's not the 100 hundred other people who showed up to shop at the same time as you that kept you from the rock star parking! It's that one row of handicapped parking! Never mind that if we took away all that handicapped parking tomorrow, your odds of getting that front door spot are about as realistic as Joe the Plumber's fear that he'll have to pay the top tax rate on income from that business he doesn't own that's never netted enough to qualify for the top tax rate. It's still possible! And if it's possible, you've got a fundamental right to your resentment. And laugh at other people for being fucking lazy as you bitch about having to walk 1/4 mile to the store. It's like the mother fucking Trail of Tears to WalMart!!!

I suppose in some perfect and just world built around parking lot equity we would have spots for the handicapped, spots for the nurses who just got off 12 hour shifts working on their feet, spots for parents who have to get 2 kids in and out the door, spots for people who just had a shitty day, pretty much spots for everyone who has a decent excuse to not want to walk too far to the door. But in that perfect parking equity world, not everyone gets to park in the first fucking row. So get over yourselves. If you show up at the store by yourself after spending a day sitting at your fucking desk-- park away from the front! I know, it's revolutionary. But maybe, just maybe, parking really close to the door isn't a fundamental human right. Maybe, just maybe, a more honest assessment of your needs will lead to you parking 1/4 mile away from the door and being ok with it.

45K worth of my side of the story

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