Me, God, and Santa Claus: the proabortion trinity

I'm tired of hearing how everyone on both sides of the issue can agree that lowering the number of abortions in this country is a good thing.

I don't agree.

I want more abortions in this country and I have God and Santa Claus on my side.

God wants to stop the insanity because the pearly gates are just not equipped to deal with all this judging and St. Peter quit somewhere in the late 18th century.

Imagine, here you are the all powerful being of the entire universe and you give that one planet a few souls and advise them to multiply.

The all powerful sets up heaven to deal with a billion or so folks, and wham, people do what people do. They fuck. They fuck a lot.

So then after a few thousand years he has to have a flood to kill everyone but that Noah guy, or Gilgamesh, or whoever you think saved humanity from the big flood and we start over.

God gives us a little more social convention and gay sex to calm things down a bit, but after the glut in the flood he's got to have 15 or 20 billion souls in heaven. At 21 grams per soul that's over 800 million pounds of soul he's got to deal with for eternity.

He then gets a little stricter on who he is going to let in, and puts his kids buddy Peter in charge of deciding who gets into heaven and who heads south. The all knowing must have been fucked up that day because he clearly forgot about drugs and rock and roll. Nothing goes better with drugs and rock and roll except for fucking. And ever since this unholy trinity has gotten together we have been making babies like it's a contest.

St. Peter quit when God told him to start letting evangelicals in somewhere in the 18th century. God loves them because they are anti fucking (but pro methed-out gay fucking which wasn't as popular then), but Peter knew they were just assholes trying to make a buck.

So, for the past few hundred years God has been dealing with the comings and goings of Heaven without a good manager, and it is beginning to take its toll. Seeing as there have been over a 100 trillion people on earth since the beginning of time, and he's had to start letting gays and black people in over the past few years, he's probably looking at 25 or 30 trillion in heaven proper.

That now puts him at what?

Must be like, 1.2 trillion pounds of soul floating around in heaven. That's a lot to deal with.

He's already shown that when the going gets tough, the tough send a species to extinction. None of us want that.

Solution, abort the little bastards before they get here or we all need to learn how to tread water for a damn long time. If you can't get behind baby killing, at least quit bugging him with prayers about your silly fucking existence, after all he does have a five billion or so other cock suckers to deal with. (I of course omitted the Chinese and the French from that number, as being from either country is a sure ticket on the train to hell.)

Santa is just tired of the little fuckers asking for video games, and Disney shit. He's at his wits end.

So please, don't worry about saving the ozone layer, or cleaning up the rivers, it's all bullshit. What we really need to do is put less ass in the seat of time. Since people, even morons, are going to fuck whether we like it or not, Value Meal number 69 at McDonald's should come with a drive through D&C.

Reminder: T Boone Pickens is a Colossal Asshat

If you don't know who I'm talking about it's about time you started reading a little more news and watching a little less TMZ. T Boone Pickens is an old school Texas oil billionaire turned born again alternative energy guru. He's out to save us from our dependence on foreign oil by making a few billion more dollars from all the land he owns in the wind belt and over natural gas deposits. It's called the Pickens Plan and it's got a lot of ordinarily intelligent people swooning over him. Hell during his interview on The Daily Show Jon Stewart was all but cupping his balls.



Now don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing his energy plan. In fact, despite his self serving motivations, I think the plan is good for America. It just irritates me that we as a nation have such a short attention span that we're treating him like a god. We've forgotten that he's a colossal fucking asshat. I could write an entire book on what an insane, greedy, sociopathic, evil nutjob this guy is, (and someday I just might.) This is just a blog however so I'll focus on the thing about him that disturbs me the most.

T Boone Pickens cares more about horses than paralyzed veterans.

Are you familiar with the Swift Boat Challenge? You see during the 2004 presidential election Mr. Pickens gave the organization Swift Vets and POWs for Truth, formerly the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, $3 million. They used this money to launch a smear campaign against John Kerry that was, to put it mildly, a load of horseshit. You might be saying, "so he donated some money, you can't hold him responsible for how they spent it!" Well yes, I can. You see Mr. Pickens responded to criticism of the smear campaign by offering $1 million to anyone who could disprove even a single charge made by the Swift Vets during the 2004 campaign.

John Kerry bit, asking that the $1 million be donated to the Paralyzed Veterans of America. In response, Pickens issued a letter narrowing the original challenge to the T.V. ads released by the organization exclusively, and requiring Kerry to provide his Vietnam journal and all of his military records. Keep in mind the challenge was issued to anyone and that these requirements were altered only because it was Kerry and his people who accepted the challenge.

So...

on June 22, 2008, a group of Vietnam veterans who previously served with and now work with Kerry accepted the challenge and sent a 12-page letter — with a 42-page attachment of military records to support their case — with which they claimed to rebut several of the accusations of the Swift boat group.

Pickens could have come clean and donated $1 million to help paralyzed veterans. Instead he tried to save face and responded "In reviewing your material, none of the information you provide speaks specifically to the issues contained in the ads and as a result, does not qualify for the $1 million."

So you know... asshat.

But the guy's not all bad. Despite his hatred of truth and paralyzed veterans he did manage to lobby for the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act (HR 503) to prohibit the slaughter of live horses intended for human consumption.

In the United States.

Because, you know, the slaughter and consumption of horses is pretty widespread here in...

Ugh. I can't even finish that sentence. Do you know anyone who has ever eaten a horse in this country? Have you ever seen it on the news? Is there some horse slaughtering/eating subculture I'm not aware of? Hell no there isn't! It's his idea of philanthropy. It's his legacy. That and a bunch of impoverished paralyzed veterans.

Seriously, fuck that guy. We can make the move to natural gas and wind energy without his crazy ass.

Oh, wait. I forgot he owns most of wind alley. :(


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I am Aware of all Moron Traditions

I try to be nice, I really do. But sometimes people beg for it. They hire a plane to fly over my home with a banner that says in ALL CAPS - please make fun of me!! This is one of those times. The following letter appeared in the new edition of the Pitch. I apologize in advance for publishing it in its entirety.

I'm writing in regard to wannabe hipster, pseudo-clever Town Without Pity writer Scott Wilson's take on The Kansas City Star's latest round of layoffs. Is this guy on crack or is he just a toolshed?

Wilson wrote: "Anyone who calls President-elect Obama a socialist is a moron." Wow. Since Scott is clearly not the type of person to keep a dictionary, history book or anything more intellectually stimulating than Green Eggs and Ham in his house, I took the liberty of doing a Google search for the term socialism. Link after link mentions distribution of wealth — maybe Scotty wasn't listening when Obama said, "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everyone."

If only morons call Obama a socialist, then what does that say about the type of people who get hired by The Pitch? Hey, Scott! Obama is a socialist, and it's painfully obvious to anyone with even a modicum of intelligence. I understand that people who make asinine statements are awarded more space in print media, but you really seemed to have jumped off the deep end.

Now that I've shown my aptitude for belittling others and writing in a juvenile manner, perhaps The Pitch will now ask me to write for them.

I've got a couple of issues with Joshua here. The first one is his inability to grasp the definition of "socialism." The second is his snotty attitude about being called a "moron" while demonstrating in painful detail that he is, indeed, a moron. Did I say I only had a couple of issues with him? That was a lie. I've got more than a couple. Joshua Lawson has succeeded in being dumb enough in his letter that I can't, off the top of my head, count the ways in which he has manifested his stupidity.

Because google and dictionaries mean something to Joshua, I'll do my best to communicate with him on his own terms. The dictionary:

moron

1usually offensive : a mildly mentally retarded person
2: a very stupid person

The google:

Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating state or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society.

Guy who defines "socialism" as the "distribution of wealth"?

FUCKING MORON.

Joshua Lawson hit so many high notes of idiocy, it's hard to break them all down. But let's start here... if you're going to pretend to do internet research, bring something stronger than google. And if you're going to pretend to internet research on google, at least get your terms right -- there's actually a significant difference between "distribution of wealth" and "redistribution of wealth." In fact, anyone with a modicum of familiarity with socialism would know that.

But not our dear Joshua.

Celebrating Great American Turkeys

To say that our predecessors stole land from the Natives (or Indians, or feathers, it's all cool) does not adequately credit the asshattery sustained over generations it took to take all that land and integrate it into the existing system of property law. A 16 year old boy steals a six pack from the grocery store, goes to his buddy's house, drinks the beer and moves on with his life. America's Got Title! went a little bit more like this: America discovers a new grocery store, cruises the beer aisle, considers it uncivilized that the beer is on the shelf rather than being put to use by America, calls up his buddies to show up at the grocery store, tells the store owner - dude, that beer right there? You can't sell that to any one but me.

And when the store owner tries to sell beer to others, America shows up at the purchaser's house and says - dude, that owner did not have the right to sell that beer, it's my beer, hand it over, and go talk to the store owner if you want your damn money back.

That, in a nutshell, is how we came to own the land in this country. We basically went eminent domain on every tribe's ass. But it took a long time to work out the details, and in that time land speculators were very active and all sorts of questionable deeds were around. All this mischief came to an end due to the heroic efforts of today's featured [turkey]* - Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, John Marshall. In the case of Johnson v. M'Intosh, Marshall wrote a long, philisophical, and at times mournful opinion that comes down to - the natives have limited interest in the land, and whatever interest they have can only be sold to the federal government, this is so because it's always been so. You can read a nice, scholarly and historical take on the decision here. Or you can read the whole opinion. Or you can take my word for it and know that, in the end, the arguments are as impressive and successful as those deployed by Chevy Chase as the Land Shark.

* In honor of Mr. Marshall's dignity and service to his country, the role of "asshat" will be played by "turkey" today. Christmas comes early for Mom!

An Open Letter To Wikipedia

Hey! Asshats!

Just who the fuck do you think you are asking for $6 million in charitable donations? I don't know if you've seen the news lately but we're broke! Things are tough all over and charitable donations are going to be pretty light this year. Unemployment and homelessness are everywhere. Why should any of that money go to you at a time like this?



Maybe we should give it to Harvesters to help them meet record food demands.

"The number of people requesting emergency food assistance is increasing at a rate we have never seen before. Historically, we distribute 6% more every year—until this year. Since the beginning of 2008, we have seen a 30% increase in the number of pounds of food we have distributed. Based on a survey of our network pantries and kitchens, the demand for emergency food assistance is currently up 50% and is continuing to rise.

Harvesters is distributing more food than it ever has before. We distributed 600,000 lbs more in July-Sept of this year to our network of food pantries, kitchens and shelters than we did during the same time last year. However, the increased demand is so significant, our food supply cannot keep up with the need."

How did you get to be a charity in the first place? Was there a space on the questionnaire to point out that we write all of your content for you for free? By the way can we get a tax receipt for that service?

What are you really contributing to society? Half assed college essays? You should change your slogan from "Making life easier" to "Making you dumberer." Some things are too easy already!

Today's college student wakes up at noon with a beer pong hangover and jumps on the internet to whip out a quick report on Japanese Mythology. It's too bad he can't write it about Japanese Toilets since that article is almost twice as long!

How many people have to starve in the gutter so that we can learn as much about Transformers: Universe as the actual universe?

How many children must we deprive of health care so that our knowledge of astronomy pales in comparison to our knowledge of things that George Lucas changed in the Star Wars re-releases?

You run a website. Nothing more. If you need more money to run it sell advertising like everyone else but DO NOT take money from people with real need.

Kisses,

Barstool Pundit




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