Me, God, and Santa Claus: the proabortion trinity

I'm tired of hearing how everyone on both sides of the issue can agree that lowering the number of abortions in this country is a good thing.

I don't agree.

I want more abortions in this country and I have God and Santa Claus on my side.

God wants to stop the insanity because the pearly gates are just not equipped to deal with all this judging and St. Peter quit somewhere in the late 18th century.

Imagine, here you are the all powerful being of the entire universe and you give that one planet a few souls and advise them to multiply.

The all powerful sets up heaven to deal with a billion or so folks, and wham, people do what people do. They fuck. They fuck a lot.

So then after a few thousand years he has to have a flood to kill everyone but that Noah guy, or Gilgamesh, or whoever you think saved humanity from the big flood and we start over.

God gives us a little more social convention and gay sex to calm things down a bit, but after the glut in the flood he's got to have 15 or 20 billion souls in heaven. At 21 grams per soul that's over 800 million pounds of soul he's got to deal with for eternity.

He then gets a little stricter on who he is going to let in, and puts his kids buddy Peter in charge of deciding who gets into heaven and who heads south. The all knowing must have been fucked up that day because he clearly forgot about drugs and rock and roll. Nothing goes better with drugs and rock and roll except for fucking. And ever since this unholy trinity has gotten together we have been making babies like it's a contest.

St. Peter quit when God told him to start letting evangelicals in somewhere in the 18th century. God loves them because they are anti fucking (but pro methed-out gay fucking which wasn't as popular then), but Peter knew they were just assholes trying to make a buck.

So, for the past few hundred years God has been dealing with the comings and goings of Heaven without a good manager, and it is beginning to take its toll. Seeing as there have been over a 100 trillion people on earth since the beginning of time, and he's had to start letting gays and black people in over the past few years, he's probably looking at 25 or 30 trillion in heaven proper.

That now puts him at what?

Must be like, 1.2 trillion pounds of soul floating around in heaven. That's a lot to deal with.

He's already shown that when the going gets tough, the tough send a species to extinction. None of us want that.

Solution, abort the little bastards before they get here or we all need to learn how to tread water for a damn long time. If you can't get behind baby killing, at least quit bugging him with prayers about your silly fucking existence, after all he does have a five billion or so other cock suckers to deal with. (I of course omitted the Chinese and the French from that number, as being from either country is a sure ticket on the train to hell.)

Santa is just tired of the little fuckers asking for video games, and Disney shit. He's at his wits end.

So please, don't worry about saving the ozone layer, or cleaning up the rivers, it's all bullshit. What we really need to do is put less ass in the seat of time. Since people, even morons, are going to fuck whether we like it or not, Value Meal number 69 at McDonald's should come with a drive through D&C.

Global Warming Proof of Intelligent Design!

I have considered myself an agnostic for many many years. It's an easy call to make if you have even the slightest grasp of the basic tenets of science and were raised under any religion that teaches the bible as literal and inerrant. (Baptists are asshats.)

Then today I'm doing some reading. You know, expanding my mind, broadening my horizons and all that. I came across a few things that lead me to believe I may have misunderstood. Maybe, just maybe, there is a God and it's just the theology that is fucked up. Maybe the Earth is heating up because He is pissed.

Let's say for the sake of argument that God created the universe and everything in it hundreds of billions of years ago. Then about 4.5 billion years ago, all according to God's plan, the Earth formed. Another billion years after that, all according to God's plan, the first single cell bacteria began to appear and these Stromatolites reigned the Earth for the next 2 billion years. As their numbers increased, all according to God's plan, they gradually changed the Earth's atmosphere from a carbon dioxide-rich mixture to the present-day oxygen-rich atmosphere and paved the way for more advanced life forms. Yada yada yada, time goes on.

Bear with me, I know you asshats hate learning sciencey things!

Now let's move up to the Cretaceous period where something very interesting happened that could only have been the result of omniscient foresight on God's behalf. The North American tectonic plates collided to form our great nation along with Canada which isn't so bad really and well Mexico but who really cares about them. So anyway, this resulted in a land mass that had a large lowland area in the middle. As a result, all according to God's magnificent plan, the high sea levels of the Cretaceous formed the Western Interior Seaway in the middle of North America. Eventually, things cooled and much of the Earths water froze around the poles, lowering sea levels and exposing the land, leaving behind numerous sea creature fossils, (more on that later.)

Finally, just a few thousand years ago, God's greatest achievement, Man, arrived on the scene. Now God was pretty proud of all He had created and He wanted Man to know Him and understand His great works in all their complexity. So He left behind mountains of empirical evidence so that we could understand how His great plan had unfolded. There are fossils of those single celled bacteria that are billions of years old. He left dinosaur bones for us to find. He gave us the necessary intellect to study nature, even to build telescopes and explore the stars.

Now there is a problem. Not to worry, He had foreseen it as I stated above. There are all these fucktarded asshats spreading lies about Him! Telling the world He hates fags! Killing in His name! Raising their children to believe those dinosaur bones aren't real, just a test of faith! (Thanks dad, still pissed about that one.) They use the fossils of sea creatures found in the middle of North America to claim proof of the Noah's Ark story rather than as evidence of the Cretaceous period seas.

Now here's the real genius of the plan. In large number, these same asshats that deny the very existence of a Cretaceous period are the ones who deny the existence of global warming. They are the very people who drive hummers and chant DRILL BABY DRILL! and leave the lights on when they go out.

Well I can see the majesty of God's plan now. You just go right on and drill. Buy cases of old hairspray at the flea market and release it all into the air. Melt that ice asshats, i dare you!

You'll pay for your lifetime of blasphemy and fucktarded asshattery when the flood waters rise! And frankly Colorado and New Mexico are sacrifices we are willing to make. (Florida is a no brainer.)




And as your homes are washed away and your lives destroyed, off in the distance you will be able to hear God chuckling to Himself and muttering, "I hope the irony isn't lost on you."

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