Someone is on it. And has no excuse not to blog.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking
Local wise guy (literally, not cosa nostra-ly) Midtown Miscreant recently went on a bit of a rant about some asshat that made a living filing lawsuits against businesses that weren't in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act. Not to pick a fight about the merits or flaws of that guy, but the rant and proceeding comments were reflective of a certain mindset.
See, the American people are far more advanced than your average Constitutional Law professor. Those poofs can fret about penumbras and such, but a majority of the American people know that they enjoy a fundamental right to "do whatever the fuck I want as long as no one gets hurt and/or I don't get caught." That's how serious this is -- your average guy says "and/or," like a jailhouse lawyer. An even more broadly recognized right is --the Fundamental Right to Rock Star Parking.
MM is pissed that he has to walk so damn far to the door of the store, and he blames handicap parking spots. It's not just him, it's his commentors. And it's not just them, it's about everybody I know. Barstool Pundit and I have this ongoing, well, not really a dispute, as much as a conversation. We go somewhere, he's driving, I laugh as he spends an extra five minutes driving around the parking lot ensuring he gets as close as possible to the front door of our destination. It doesn't matter that we have nothing heavy to carry. It doesn't matter that we're both able bodied. To him, it's a GADDAM AMERICAN DUTY to park as close to the door as possible.
I don't get it. And I really don't get how it boils over into resentment over handicapped parking spots as demonstrated in MM's post and the responses to it. You've got an entire country zoned around parking. You can't build a business without promising to have sufficient parking. We've got acres of parking, so that you don't even have the disruption of streets or pedestrians trying to do something other than what you're trying to do -- get into that damn store. But still, we have angst. And better than that, angst that fails to recognize its own asshat nature. I'm sorry, Mr. Miscreant. Love the blog, love you -- but... really:
It's guys like Molski that ensure you will have to walk a quarter mile across Walmart's parking lot, because all of the non-handicap parking spots are in the nosebleed section. Ever see anyone wheeling around Walmart in a wheelchair, other than a greeter? I didn't think so. Oh sure you see the occasional fat lady in pink stretch pants, careening down the middle of the potato chip aisle at a blistering 2.5 Mph. Chances are she isn't crippled anyway, just lazy, or maybe she just likes driving that stretched out rascal with a grocery cart stuck on the front.
Yes! It's not the 100 hundred other people who showed up to shop at the same time as you that kept you from the rock star parking! It's that one row of handicapped parking! Never mind that if we took away all that handicapped parking tomorrow, your odds of getting that front door spot are about as realistic as Joe the Plumber's fear that he'll have to pay the top tax rate on income from that business he doesn't own that's never netted enough to qualify for the top tax rate. It's still possible! And if it's possible, you've got a fundamental right to your resentment. And laugh at other people for being fucking lazy as you bitch about having to walk 1/4 mile to the store. It's like the mother fucking Trail of Tears to WalMart!!!
I suppose in some perfect and just world built around parking lot equity we would have spots for the handicapped, spots for the nurses who just got off 12 hour shifts working on their feet, spots for parents who have to get 2 kids in and out the door, spots for people who just had a shitty day, pretty much spots for everyone who has a decent excuse to not want to walk too far to the door. But in that perfect parking equity world, not everyone gets to park in the first fucking row. So get over yourselves. If you show up at the store by yourself after spending a day sitting at your fucking desk-- park away from the front! I know, it's revolutionary. But maybe, just maybe, parking really close to the door isn't a fundamental human right. Maybe, just maybe, a more honest assessment of your needs will lead to you parking 1/4 mile away from the door and being ok with it.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Letters of Recommendation Never Sent
To Whom It May Concern :
Jane Doe has been employed at our company for eight years. I suspect the length of her stay is not due to a commitment to her job, but rather her understanding that other businesses would be unwilling to hire her. During her time with us, Jane has been the catalyst for many dramatic situations. She can be relied upon to stress the difficulty in any circumstance. Her unbridled pessimism is a thing to behold, bested only by her self-absorption.
Jane considers the workplace her home and acts accordingly. She is an intelligent woman who would be capable of behaving in a professional manner if someone were able to impress upon her the meaning of the phrase. Jane has used the knowledge she gained from her M.S.W. studies to act out a variety of mental illnesses. I have no reservations in my qualification of this recommendation. Her unique gifts would be an asset in any dysfunctional workplace.
Sincerely,
Management
Jane Doe has been employed at our company for eight years. I suspect the length of her stay is not due to a commitment to her job, but rather her understanding that other businesses would be unwilling to hire her. During her time with us, Jane has been the catalyst for many dramatic situations. She can be relied upon to stress the difficulty in any circumstance. Her unbridled pessimism is a thing to behold, bested only by her self-absorption.
Jane considers the workplace her home and acts accordingly. She is an intelligent woman who would be capable of behaving in a professional manner if someone were able to impress upon her the meaning of the phrase. Jane has used the knowledge she gained from her M.S.W. studies to act out a variety of mental illnesses. I have no reservations in my qualification of this recommendation. Her unique gifts would be an asset in any dysfunctional workplace.
Sincerely,
Management
Thursday, November 13, 2008
There oughtta be a law against...
Lotto
It's not a valid retirement plan!
Remember when the government thought gambling was bad? I do. Then I remember them selling the Lottery as the greatest thing ever because it would funnel gazillions of dollars into our schools. Now we have billions in lottery revenues but the schools always seem to be broke. We've been hornswaggled!
Surely you've heard the lottery referred to as an 'idiot tax'. It's an apt name. Educated people in the middle to upper classes buy relatively few lottery tickets. People who earn the least play the most. They cry out for redistribution of wealth and then stop by the 7-Eleven to supplement the revenues of state governments with money they can't afford to spend. A tax from which intelligent people are exempt.
So what about casinos? Well that's a funny thing. Of course these days you can find a casino or two in most major cities but that didn't come easy. Even in states running their own lotteries casinos had a tough time getting established. Again though, we were promised they would save our failing schools and again we are fattening up state coffers and still our schools are broke and failing. This isn't the interesting bit though.
What strikes me is that there are people who support lotteries but think casino gambling is immoral and should be outlawed. I think the opposite is true! Why? The odds man, the odds! Let's look at a couple of long term gambling plays as an example.
Gambling with the government: Let's use Powerball as an example in which you have a 36:1 chance of winning ANY prize at all. This means you will win something 2.7% of the time. Reality check: That something is going to be $3. The jackpot odds are an astonishing 146,107,962 to 1.
So if you spend $100 on Powerball tickets, you will lose 97 times and win $3 three times for a net loss of $91 and you will have exactly zero units of fun. (I think they're called gigglehertz or something.)
Gambling with the casino: Lets take that same $100 to the roulette wheel. Now we will bet $1 per spin on black or red. There are 2 green numbers on the wheel giving the house a modest edge. Whichever color we pick, we will win 48% of the time doubling our bet. So after 100 spins we lost 52 times and won $2 48 times for a net loss of FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS.
By taking our $100 to the casino we've saved $87! That's enough money to eat a good dinner and get drunk off your ass. Now you've actually had an evening's entertainment. That's like over 9,000 Gigglehertz!
Despite this, until a week ago, the State of Missouri enforced loss limits at casinos while allowing you to spend as much money on lottery tickets as you like!
Pro-tip: If you want to go to the casino play poker! Why? You aren't playing against the house! You only have to beat the other players at the table and most of them are idiots!
Disclaimer: Playing any house game is a losing proposition and I am in no way suggesting you should do it. The point of this post is not so much pro-gambling as it is anti-hypocrisy!
Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit
It's not a valid retirement plan!
Remember when the government thought gambling was bad? I do. Then I remember them selling the Lottery as the greatest thing ever because it would funnel gazillions of dollars into our schools. Now we have billions in lottery revenues but the schools always seem to be broke. We've been hornswaggled!
Surely you've heard the lottery referred to as an 'idiot tax'. It's an apt name. Educated people in the middle to upper classes buy relatively few lottery tickets. People who earn the least play the most. They cry out for redistribution of wealth and then stop by the 7-Eleven to supplement the revenues of state governments with money they can't afford to spend. A tax from which intelligent people are exempt.
So what about casinos? Well that's a funny thing. Of course these days you can find a casino or two in most major cities but that didn't come easy. Even in states running their own lotteries casinos had a tough time getting established. Again though, we were promised they would save our failing schools and again we are fattening up state coffers and still our schools are broke and failing. This isn't the interesting bit though.
What strikes me is that there are people who support lotteries but think casino gambling is immoral and should be outlawed. I think the opposite is true! Why? The odds man, the odds! Let's look at a couple of long term gambling plays as an example.
Gambling with the government: Let's use Powerball as an example in which you have a 36:1 chance of winning ANY prize at all. This means you will win something 2.7% of the time. Reality check: That something is going to be $3. The jackpot odds are an astonishing 146,107,962 to 1.
So if you spend $100 on Powerball tickets, you will lose 97 times and win $3 three times for a net loss of $91 and you will have exactly zero units of fun. (I think they're called gigglehertz or something.)
Gambling with the casino: Lets take that same $100 to the roulette wheel. Now we will bet $1 per spin on black or red. There are 2 green numbers on the wheel giving the house a modest edge. Whichever color we pick, we will win 48% of the time doubling our bet. So after 100 spins we lost 52 times and won $2 48 times for a net loss of FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS.
By taking our $100 to the casino we've saved $87! That's enough money to eat a good dinner and get drunk off your ass. Now you've actually had an evening's entertainment. That's like over 9,000 Gigglehertz!
Despite this, until a week ago, the State of Missouri enforced loss limits at casinos while allowing you to spend as much money on lottery tickets as you like!
Pro-tip: If you want to go to the casino play poker! Why? You aren't playing against the house! You only have to beat the other players at the table and most of them are idiots!
Disclaimer: Playing any house game is a losing proposition and I am in no way suggesting you should do it. The point of this post is not so much pro-gambling as it is anti-hypocrisy!
Wish I were dead? Want to have my babies? Email Barstool Pundit
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