There oughtta be a law against...

...well, a lot of stuff really.

I hate to say it. I love freedom as much as anyone. I say smoke all the weed you want, make moonshine in your bathtub, hell get married and bang each other in your hairy assholes if that's what makes you happy. These are not things I require government intervention in. In a perfect world where people take responsibility for their own lives, civil liberties and the free market could be wonderful things. Alas, many Americans are far too stupid to care about their own self interests. Belief in deregulation and the infallibility of the free market is the belief that you can serve cake and ice cream to toddlers on fine china.

This is why we can't have nice things!

For far too long the American government has stood by and done nothing as corporate America preys on and fleeces the stupid. One would think the stupid would wise up after a while but they aren't and it's time for the feds to step in and take their toys away before somebody puts an eye out! (Actually it's too late.)

Payday Loans

In a responsible society: A useful service in rare emergencies. Be sure and pay it off on payday! That's why they call them that!

In 'Real America': Predatory lending at it's worst. A revolving credit line at over 500% APR that is crippling millions of idiots and, by extension, our economy. Everyone knows it. Even the idiots ruining their own lives know it. It's a $28 billion annual trickle up and it's perfectly legal. Can we really be this stupid?

Rent-to-own

In a responsible society you wouldn't have destroyed your credit in the first place so there would be no need for rent-to-own.

In 'Real America': It's the 'Cracker Jacks' of payday loans. You get a prize! Why don't you just wait a few months for that t.v. Save up that $30/week in a sock until you can buy it for $500 instead of renting it now and paying $5,000 for it.

Good news idiots! I got this in the mail this week, looks like you won't have to make two stops every friday anymore!




Drive-Thru Windows

In a responsible society: An occaisional convenience when you are in a rush.

In 'Real America': A dietary staple for millions of sedentary ham-beasts. The ultimate example of American laziness and excess.

It seemed like a really great idea in the 1940s but the fast food drive-thru spread like a malignant tumor over the last 60 years bringing nothing but heart attacks and global disaster. If you think Americans should be allowed easy inexpensive access to ultra high calorie/low nutrient food take a look at this.



Clearly Americans lack the self control necessary to handle drive-thru dining. Maybe if you had to waddle your fat ass inside the restaurant in plain view of the general public you would be too embarrassed to order that extra Big Mac with your value meal!

Also consider the environmental impact drive-thrus must have. I really wish someone would do a study of the carbon footprint of drive-thru traffic. All those cars idling away in those lines, wasting gas, belching fumes. Millions of them, every day. Why would we rather sit in a drive-thru lane for 15 minutes than go into the relatively empty counter where we can be out in under 5?

Someday soon you'll probably be able to take care of your dinner, furniture payment and payday loan all at the same drive-thru window. THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU ARE CHOOSING FOR YOURSELVES!


Renting-to-own deez McRims bitch.

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180 Days in the Hole

The Mayor of Kansas City, Missouri recently filed a law suit against the City to, long story short, make sure he can have his wife with him at all times of the day without interference from those who worry about effective governance, professionalism, or limiting liability from law suits resulting from his vulgar ass wife relentlessy insulting and pissing off an employee she claims was also a family friend. The Mayor's suit seeks to block enforcement of a city ordinance that prevents elected officials from having family members (ahem... Gloria) serve as full time volunteers in their offices.

In listing the Mayor's grievances, his lawyer deploys scare italics in numerous places. Just when I thought the reference to the "non-corporeal" sense of the word "office" couldn't be topped on the giggle scale, the petition alerts me to this frightening fact:

Noncompliance with the Ordinance (negligently or otherwise) thus carries a penalty of up to six months imprisonment, plus a $500 fine.

For some perspective, let's look at municipal ordinance violations that carry a penalty of up to six months imprisonment (!).

Sec. 50-13. Unauthorized distribution of trash tags or recycling bins.

In beautiful KCMO, you get two trash bags and one recycle bin per pick up. If you want more, you need to pay an additional fee for trash tags and extra bins. This ordinance presumably exists to discourage those individuals who are too lazy to strip buildings of copper and too bored with stealing stickers off of license plates from starting a black market in trash tags. Which is for the best, because a black market in trash tags is so... Soviet occupied Kafka.

Sec. 50-45. Unlawful removal of official documents or papers.

Before Tony gets excited, this ordinance applies to people removing official documents or papers without authorization from one's superior, so, no, the Mayor's home office does not apply. This ordinance is obviously designed to prevent negligent or intentional loss of official documents. It probably gets broken every time a employee takes some work home. Don't laugh! It could and probably does happen that city employees take some work home. The way this ordinance is drafted, some enterprising young city attorney who decides to take home some legal documents to review while doing laundry could be subjected to a penalty of up to six months imprisonment(!).

Sec. 50-202. Prohibition on swimming and wading in fountains and in Brush Creek.

This is probably the closest to the Mayor's situation with the volunteer ordinance. You're not supposed to wade or swim in Brush Creek or any city fountain unless the Parks Board has marked it as safe for wading or swimming. You'd like to think that basic survival instincts would warn you against jumping into the Creek lovingly known as Flush. But the fountains are more understandably tempting. Say you're a teenager or a bridesmaid looking to do something wacky and take a great photo. Or maybe you just need a refresher after standing in the sun reminding passersby to buy local produce and to demand that Bush be turned over to a war crimes tribunal. Getting into the fountain seems like a nice and harmless thing to do. But it's not. You can harm the fountain, causing the city to pay for expensive repairs. Or you could harm yourself by improper interaction with electrical lines running through water.

Jumping in the fountain looks like fun, but all things considered it's a bad idea. You may say - my taxes paid for that fountain! Or - it's my first amendment right to express my love of Kansas City by frolicking in that fountain! And if you jump in that fountain right now, your fountain story will probably end up happily, without damage to you or the fountain.

But reasonable people aren't going to want to jump into the fountain on a regular basis. And reasonable people aren't going to be surprised when habitual fountain frolicking results in them being ticketed.

They may be surprised to discover that the ordinance specifically provides for up to six months imprisonment(!). But here's the deal - pretty much every municipal ordinance provides for up to six months imprisonment(!), either specifically (as in the ones cited above) or through Sec. 1-17, which provides the default penalty for ordinances that don't specify a maximum punishment (public urinators, think twice). The courts want to have maximum flexibility to determine appropriate punishment and that's how it's done.

But nobody wants to pay to actually house ordinance violators in jail for 180 days unless it's an extreme case. You'd need to be a first class asshat to end up in jail for fountain frolicking.

The single toughest decision facing our new president

Barack Obama's first order of business is no doubt the assembly of his Cabinet and White House staff. The economy is a shambles, so he must choose an economic advisor very carefully. We are in a prolonged two front war with new threats cropping up every day. So who will be our Secretaries of Defense and Homeland Security? What Secretary of Energy will save us from foreign oil and the sun?

Yes, all of these are important questions to be sure. There is however, a far more urgent matter to attend to.

Who will be the nation's new First Dog? I mean this isn't a simple family pet he is choosing here. This dog will be a symbol of his presidency, a mascot for the entire nation! He must choose a breed that sends the right message to America and to our allies and enemies abroad. Perhaps most importantly, this dog is certain to be a major player in Obama's 2012 re-election bid. The wrong dog could bring disaster! When we put a dog in the White House in 2012 we need to be damn sure it's the one WITHOUT lipstick if you know what I'm saying.

So let's look at some options.

Obama is nothing if not trendy and cool right? We'll start with that. Let's see the hippest dog breed out there right now is:

The Teacup Chihuahua


A couple of bitches

It's small and adorable and every little girl's dream dog thanks to the recent trend of Hollywood whores cramming them into their cocaine and vicodin filled purses. Still, this dog is completely unamerican! We can't have a First Dog that makes us look soft on immigration and border security! Not to mention it is tiny, timid and defenseless. Hardly the kind of mascot this country needs. We need a good strong, loyal and fearless protector. Something like...

The German Shepherd



One of my favorite breeds, German Shepherds are great dogs to be sure. They are loyal to the end, strong on defense and especially tough on crime. Again though, not American enough. It's too bad, but the reality is that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Besides, the German Shepherd is sort of my thing. Clearly, we need to focus on American breeds.


The Alaskan Husky


"...for me to shoot at!"

Sarah Palin after 3 months of consoling herself with Ben & Jerry's? No silly, it's a dog! Perhaps choosing this breed could be seen as reaching out to conservatives in a spirit of bipartisanship. Plus it is a strong and hardworking American breed. The problem? Its near twin the Siberian Husky!

______________________________'Sup Komrade?
__________________________________/


Yep, the Alaskan Husky is very easily mistaken for a damn commie socialist pinko dog! Obama has been defending himself against cries of 'socialist' quite enough already! Clearly this dog won't do either! Although the thought of naming it Palin and giving it a good beating every 4 years is somewhat tempting.

The Beagle


The HMS Beagle

I was really leaning this way myself for a while. It's a friendly loyal dog and fine hunting companion with a keen nose. During my extensive research for this article however, I uncovered a very disturbing fact about Beagles. It turns out they are in fact English, not American. I don't know about you but a Beagle in the White House makes me fear for my second amendment rights. I'll be god damned if I'm going to have the King of England all up in my business without a gun handy!

America, there is really only one choice. Only one breed of dog that truly represents this nation at it's finest.

The Labrador Retriever


Labradors have it all. They are a proud breed who love their country. They can be white, black or brown. Truly they are a celebration of this nation's racial diversity. They are determined service dogs, many of whom worked their foot pads to bloody nubs in the ashes and rubble of 9/11. They are heroes. America needs heroes now more than ever.

America needs its First Labrador.

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w00t! America

Just w00t.

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Band? check. Flag corp? check. War machine?

So you're at your local sporting event and going through the motions of the opening ceremonies. The band is playing some incredible combination of songs that even 101 uses sparingly. And then, because it's the midwest and we love our military bases, and it's the Big 12 and we're not to be trifled with, you get the flyover. The PA draws your attention to the north. You stare into the sun. It's a long awkward moment of everyone staring into the sun. And then there they are, low to the ground, mounting Mt. Oread, two black hawks. And because this is America, you don't think of this:



Believe it or not, there are places in the world where it isn't necessary to have a military hardware demonstration to begin a respectable sporting event. But this is not that place. In this place, we celebrate the beginning of a game with displays of force under the guise of honoring those who serve.

Well guess what, asshat. It's not about respecting the troops. It's about respecting the need to continue to turn over the nation's wealth to those who build the hardware. If it were about the troops and celebrating their service in Iraq, we'd have them drive in from Topeka or where the fuck ever and put them on the field and raise our voices and hands in support and honor of their service. No, the troops are honored by the opportunity to fly that powerful machine over a crowd of friendlies who won't shoot at them. And the rest of us are trained to CHEER the display of military force. To see them fly over our homes and towns and be greeted as protectors, not aggressors.

It is wasteful to have these displays. Wasteful of resources and time to have war machines fly over football games. But the builders want us to view their products with warmth and affection. And it works. We see the flyover and we love our troops and we feel safe. But how fucking sick is it that at a time when American firepower is felt by innocents on the other side of the globe, we cheer these machines of death in the frivolous moment of a sporting event?

A B-2 bomber over Arrowhead is a moving thing. But how many who've witnessed it have thought about what it would be like to live in a place where that boom represents death and not the motherfucking home of the chiefs?

God Bless our Troops. And fuck the lot of assholes that keeps them so busy. Check out 2:09 and tell me if that looks like a fucking football field.


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